Time to ditch role as ex’s emotional crutch

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I mourn the end of summer every fall, but this year it’s far worse. My partner (a man, like me) broke up with me and my menagerie of animals.

The hardest part is that he still calls me before he goes to sleep at night — to see if I’m OK, and to tell me essentially, to buck up! Nothing like losing somebody and being told to be happy about it by the exact person you’ve lost.

He goes on about his new life and the people he’s meeting, and sometimes I just have to hang up on him.

Why does he bother calling? It seems like he maybe doesn’t know if he’s completely through with me yet, so he’s using me as a crutch. (Do I sound bitter?) What can I do?

— Ouch! southwestern Manitoba

Dear Ouch: The emotional hurt on your side of the break-up isn’t going away like this, and your ex’s phone calls sound a lot like a dependency on his part — like you’re the comfortable old ex. That’s certainly not real love!

You need to quit taking this calls, because he’s using you as a comforting fill-in until he finds a new partner. If you can’t bear to hang up on him, just don’t answer when you see his number.

Also, start making a list of people with whom you’d like to spend more time or converse with — relatives you really like and friends you never seemed to have enough time for before this break-up. Just don’t use anybody as your crying towel, as that might send them running.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When I’m restless through the night, I’ve long had a habit of a habit getting out of bed and going to the fridge to scarf down some delicious food.

Now I’ve finally met a sweetheart of a man who also ends up at the fridge if he can’t sleep, and now we’re gaining extra weight together and I’m getting worried. I can’t afford the extra pounds as I’m already borderline diabetic, but I really don’t want to lose my new lover by being a killjoy about his love for late-night snacks!

— Heading For Trouble, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Heading For Trouble: Rather than trying to go cold turkey on the nocturnal noshing, you can control the type of food that’s in your fridge, and also help your new man shop for healthier provisions for a shelf in his fridge.

Make the grocery store a final stop on date night when you’re both headed home to his place for fun and a sleepover, and stock up on protein-rich food and fancy waters. Then gently guide him to the foods and drinks that are better for you, and would be tasty for him, too!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met an older man at the bar who wanted to take me away with him on business trips to “keep him company.” I know what that means! I asked him why he didn’t take his wife, and he said, “I’d love to. She’s great fun, but someone has to stay home and look after the kids.”

After hearing, I can’t believe anyone would want to go on trips with him to be his sexual entertainment while his wife tends to the children! When I refused his offer, he just shrugged, like I didn’t know what I was missing. Who would take him up on clearly a “sexual service” offer like this?

— Shaking My Head, River Heights

Dear Shaking My Head: Some marital partners are aware of what’s going on in terms of another woman is providing company and sex to their travelling husbands. It may bother them somewhat, but there are spouses who can live with this type of agreed arrangement, and as part of the pact, they may have their own intimate fun on the side.

Others are glad not to have to sexually ”entertain” their travelling men as often, once the attraction is gone for them. So why wouldn’t they just leave the guy? Perhaps they stay for the sake of the family unit, or simply because they don’t have a career of their own to make ends meet. And sadly, some stay because they love the straying man and don’t know how to leave him.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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