Maintain your independence with new mate

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband died and I wish him well in his new realm.

We grew apart after our kids left home, and both of us made different “friends” of the opposite sex. But now, the exciting man I’ve been seeing for a few years has lost his wife. He’s lonely in his big family house and says he wants us to live together.

There’s a big problem. I’m not excited about playing old-fashioned wife as his spouse did happily, as he worked overtime and brought in a lot of money for them to spend. I didn’t have a lot of money, but I always had a weekly cleaning lady come in and sent out the laundry.

Neither this guy, nor I, want to throw our money together, but we’re considering moving into a 55-plus block, and maybe into two suites, because what if we split up while living there? Then suddenly one person wouldn’t have a home anymore.

We just want to be comfortable and happy and have fun together, but I am not built to be a replacement for his old-fashioned wife. Can you help?

— Different Type of Mate, St. James

Dear Different Type: It probably is a good idea for both of you to get your own suites and see how you like that situation. If you find you’re always together and one suite is sitting empty, then you may want to consider moving in together — as long as you feel he’s gotten over his need for a trad-wife, which you will not be.

Get him on your cleaning-lady plan (splitting the cost, of course) and that may well help him out of his old-fashioned thinking.

You can work this out. It’s nothing compared to the rest of your relationship, which you know is great.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was eating in a mall restaurant recently and suddenly thought I was seeing a ghost. It was same face, same hair, same body and same expression — the exact woman I met almost 20 years ago and fell for.

I couldn’t help myself, so I went up to her and said that I knew a woman once who looked exactly like her, and mentioned her name. She laughed and said it was her mother. I asked where she was now, and she said, “About six steps behind you.”

It was a delightful shock to see her again — until she hastily excused herself, saying she had to go meet her daughter’s husband.

I grabbed her hand, but she shook me off and said loudly, “You’re going to have to let go of that hand.”

Now I do nothing but think of her. She always had that effect on me. She told me she broke up with me because “It was hard to get enough air” with me around. My best friend at the time called her by a nasty name — “the soul-sucker.”

My present wife doesn’t do that to me, but I’m not convinced she’s any better since I’ve seen my old love again.

Still, deep down, I know I’ll never have her again. How can I get over this woman for good? Please help.

— Feeling Possessed, St. Vital

Dear Possessed: Ask your physician to set you up with a psychiatrist to work out why this woman has such an overpowering effect on you. Once you know what it is and why it’s happening, it will lose much of its power and you can work at weakening it further. Then, if you run into this woman again, you’ll feel steady on your feet and beyond her “powers.”

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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