Time to assess what your heart really needs

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 10/10/2025 (294 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m about 90 per cent lesbian in sexual preference — I’ve only had two serious men in my many years of dating and falling in like or in love. Both of those men wanted me to drop my “weird thing“ for women and be 100 per cent theirs, and try to live as a heterosexual with them as partners. But I loved who I loved, and it just came from within.

Now I have a new and very painful problem. I’m in love with two very different people — a man and a woman — and I don’t use the word love lightly for either of them. They don’t want to share me and it looks like I will lose them both soon. I’m doubly heartbroken, but I don’t see any way to win.

I know it’s odd, and I personally don’t know anyone else who has been in this position.

My honesty is what got me into this mess. I should have kept my mouth shut and at least tried to keep them both for a longer time. What should I do?

— Near Certain I’ll Lose, Winnipeg

Dear Near Certain: Neither of these people are the right one for you, or there wouldn’t be two of them. These are the hardest relationships to give up, because in the end you’ll likely lose both of them. Then there might be a hard and lonely reassessment period.

Many people in your situation get themselves a therapist instead of talking to friends who often aren’t very sympathetic to someone who’s bisexual and has “double the chance” at love, in their opinion. They really can’t understand what you feel. It seems logical that the best kind of person for you in a long-term love relationship would not be judgmental. Like you, they might also be bisexual and understand it’s the right “heart and soul” you need to find.

The understanding people at the Rainbow Resource Centre (rainbowresourcecentre.org) would be a good place for you to start. They welcome people of all sexualities for private counselling, various groups and social events.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: After I walked into a scene I didn’t want to see, I wish I were blind. I went to a party with people who knew the host, but I did not know this disgusting guy. People were really drunk and the host was reeling around, actually banging into things and people.

I saw some drunk guy coming on to a girl who was familiar-looking from the back, and she was trying hard to push him off. It was my ex-girlfriend from a few years ago and she was also just plastered.

I pulled her away from him, and out the front door. I got her into my car, took her home and stayed with her for a while.

Since then, she has been calling me daily and wanting me back. She is often drinking while we talk on the phone. I really care — and still love her — but don’t want her back. And I sure don’t want her going back to parties and drinking like that out of her loneliness and desperation. In my opinion, she definitely has a serious drinking problem already. What can I do?

— Very Worried Ex, South End

Dear Worried Ex: Continue talking to this ex-girlfriend and intervene as a close friend — with much more contact than you would have normally, not just a quick telephone call here and there. Contact her, go over and see her, and explain you will care for her as a friend, and help her through this drinking problem that has developed, even though you’re not going to be a couple again. You just want to be a close and reliable friend now.

Contact Al-Anon (al-anon.org), which offers supports for friends and family of people with alcohol problems. They can advise you in many ways on how to go about helping.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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