Embrace singleness in your own personal way

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m in my 40s and am suddenly single. I would never have left my marriage because it’s against my religion, but my husband left me high and dry.

I was actually secretly relieved. I love being single, and now belong to the singles club attached to my church. I like a couple of the men in my group, but it’s awkward to date more than one and then have to see them both back at the group the next week.

I think the purpose of the group is to make friends, but also to find a special man and not need the group anymore. But I think I have changed already. I don’t think I want to be tied to one man anymore, so how do I work that?

— Need Singles Coaching, Winnipeg

Dear Need Coaching: You might explain to the group that you’re newly single and just getting used to it and want to meet people. Then add that you’re not ready to be with someone to be their one and only just yet.

You may find other people in the group feel the same way. So ask them. You might hear something along these lines: they like taking their time and making new friends, then they can just breathe, relax and enjoy things for a time. If and when a great person comes along, they may start feeling differently.

However, they might enjoy just staying single with a group of friends who meet and do fun things together. There’s no reason to feel boxed in to pairing off immediately.

Enjoy singleness however it feels best for you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend comes from a big Catholic family of nine, and he wants to have the same number of children as his parents had — “Way too many.“ That’s their little family joke.

I come from a family of only two kids, and we enjoyed a different kind of richness, as in higher education and a range of career choices. My parents are both professionals and my brother and I were very happy.

Last week my boyfriend asked me if I would like to have a big family, and I said I wouldn’t and that I had other plans.

He said coldly, “To each their own — I guess we don’t think alike.”

Then he grabbed his jacket and said he would call me after he had thought the situation over.

He hasn’t called me back yet. I love him, but I’m not going to turn into a broodmare to please him and his old-fashioned family. Still, it hurts. We had a lot in common otherwise — we loved the same church, loved sports, plus we’re both musicians. We’re also pretty ambitious and there was a big sexual attraction.

We both wanted to get married and build our lives together. That’s what we had in common, but I guess we didn’t discuss the finer details. I wonder why we would have to have a bunch of kids like his parents did? One or two children would be OK with me, but I don’t want to be pregnant over and over again, and I’m not up for adopting other people’s children.

I keep calling my boyfriend, but he says he’s not ready to talk to me yet. What should I do?

— Not a Broodmare, St. Norbert

Dear Not a Broodmare: First, speak to a relationship counsellor — possibly a woman would be easiest to talk to. She won’t be personally involved in your life, so you can open up and give her all the details. You also won’t have to worry about doing more damage between you and your boyfriend. She will listen intently, analyze and suggest various options.

As for this boyfriend who ignores your calls, he may already have cut the ties on his side and not consider you his girlfriend anymore. You’re certainly not the right woman for him and his big-family dreams, but he still owes it to you to have one last conversation, at the least.

If he won’t give you that, write him posing the questions that keep you awake at night. For instance, you might want to ask if he ever really loved you. It’s possible he’ll say he was in love at first, but you were destined for different paths.

The bottom line is this man has dreams of a very large family. That may be hard to realize in current times, especially when food and housing and other basic needs are becoming so expensive. It’s not that women with big families can’t go out to work, but child-care costs can be prohibitive and a man’s old-fashioned large-family dream probably does not include Mom going out for the day, working somewhere.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography