Daughter’s insight can spur positive change

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife and I are living a sham of a marriage and we haven’t had sex in seven years. We’ve been staying together as friends mostly for our only daughter’s sake.

Last week my daughter, 19, asked me out for dinner — her treat. I knew something was up. I was happy her mother wasn’t coming, as I enjoy having time alone with my daughter away from her mom’s constant yapping and interference.

I asked her to pick a restaurant and we arrived in separate cars.

During dinner she was talking very nervously, so over dessert, I asked her what was up.

She told me she was going to move in with her boyfriend soon and then my wife and I won’t have to pretend to be happy for her sake anymore.

I was shocked, but she wasn’t wrong. She said her boyfriend wanted to get married in the near future, but she isn’t ready yet. Then she said that she knew my wife and I haven’t been happy for a long time.

How did she know? We never fought. We just lived side by side, providing our daughter a family, but really we were tired of each other.

How do I handle this with my wife now?

I asked if my daughter wanted to talk more about things, but she said no, she just wanted my blessing to move out with her boyfriend and possibly one day have a family with him.

She obviously desires a happy home, something we haven’t fully given her. Who can blame her? So, I gave her my blessing and said I would give her some money to help her and her partner settle in a new place together. She didn’t respond, but instead just asked me if I would prepare her mom for the shock.

I said, “I don’t know. She’s going to blow sky high. You’re her only child and I think you’ll have to tell her yourself.”

Did I handle this the right way?

— Mixed Emotions, West Kildonan

Dear Mixed Emotions: You might want to postpone the full split with your wife, at least for a little while. She’s the mother of your child and it will be a shock when her only child leaves.

You will also want to be there as backup if things don’t go well with the young couple. So let your daughter know she still has a home with both you and her mother if things don’t go well once she moves in with her mate.

Who knows? She and her guy may not like living together at all and she’ll want to come back in a month or two.

So cool your jets on a complete split with your wife too soon after your daughter moves out.

Some young couples get a place and soon find it’s a mistake to think they can live together well and break up in the first few months. Or worse, they stay together when they should go their separate ways because they have nowhere to go.

Once she has moved in with her guy, watch how it’s going and try to go out for more lunches together so your daughter can talk.

Also, it’s time to try to become better friends with your wife and that means counselling — even if you two know you want to break up.

Your wife might say “no thanks” to getting help with your relationship or she might be glad for it due to the changing circumstances with your daughter.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My three girlfriends and I took a trip up to the east side of Lake Winnipeg a while ago. We were cruising around all afternoon — there was no one around we could see. We just couldn’t agree on exactly what beach we wanted to rent a cabin at this summer, so we wanted to see the options in-person.

Well, we’ve finally made up our minds and now we want to find a good rental. The problem is, we kind of look like party girls, although we’re actually responsible renters and have references from landlords in the city.

People have been giving us all kinds of hot tips from when they’ve rented cottages up there, but we’re picky and need to look around inside first and test the beds.

— Four Beach Bunnies, Winnipeg

Dear Bunnies: Rather than just relying on short-term-rental apps, talk to friends and relatives who have rented in the locations you prefer and get some specific contact info for cabin owners who looking to rent.

See if they can give you a tour of their place or ask someone they know living in the area to do it for them.

The four of you really should get on this ASAP, as there are people who book well ahead of time.

Keep this in mind if you do end up renting a cottage you really love, as you may want to book for the following summer before you even pack up to head home.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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