Mesmerizing ex needs to stay in dreamland

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m in shock! I recently ran into my old love from university.

I saw him coming into the mall, and he spotted me. His wife started walking into a nearby store and he said something to her, and then went and sat down on a bench.

He noticed me again — staring at him. Our eyes met for a long moment, and then suddenly he was looking down and scribbling something rapidly. He then made a beeline to me and I got that tingly feeling seeing him again — the most gorgeous man I’ve ever dated or been with sexually!

He put his hand out and in it was his phone number. He looked deeply into my eyes, I took the paper from him and then he took off again towards the shop to meet his wife.

Now that I have his contact info again, I can’t make myself throw it away. It actually says, “Please call me!” with a tiny heart at the end, and oh, how I want to! But I’m a bit scared.

Why did we split? It was because he was in debt to some bad people, and I had no money to help him. The other woman in the equation — a “friend” who really wanted to have him as her lover — came from a wealthy family. She ended up marrying him and her family helped save him from jail or worse. I couldn’t really blame him for going with her.

I hear he’s got a great job now, working with his in-laws’ family business. Other than that though, I have to wonder why he’s still with her. I really don’t want to hear he ended up loving her in the end. I prefer to believe it was something he was forced to do.

But now, I’m dying to talk with him, even just once. We used to be fire on fire together! Please advise.

— Starting to Weaken, Winnipeg

Dear Starting to Weaken: Run away from this fiery attraction! The truth about this life is that most people don’t ever really change who they are at the core, and this fetching fellow certainly isn’t the model of honesty. It seems he’s quite happy to sneak around.

Many of us have an old love or two, and yes, sometimes their eyes, hair or body enrapture us, even encountering them years and years later. But you really must stay away. (He could even be married into a family that gets even with anyone who betrays a relative.) Just keep this blast from the past safely in your dreams.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I don’t know if my wife is faking it or not, but her mood seems to go up and down with the weather. Like when the snow was almost gone recently, but then we got a big dump again. It made her quite upset and depressed, and she ended up staying in bed with pillows over her head for days. She also gets depressed about the darkness in the depths of winter.

She’s still sulking today, even though the bad weather has gone, at least for now. What’s the matter with her? She’s driving me crazy!

— Frustrated, North Kildonan

Dear Frustrated: You need to understand your spouse isn’t just doing this to be difficult. It certainly isn’t fun to feel sick or depressed on a seasonal basis. In fact, seasonal affective disorder (SAD) is most often a type of bumpy, up-and-down depression that’s related to changes in the seasons and particularly the absence of sunlight.

It’s a tricky mood disorder as it can sap a person’s energy and happiness during the darker months, but then they feel better in spring and summer. However, they may also experience anxiety in anticipation of seasonal change.

It’s important that people who experience SAD don’t view it as their lot in life to endure, but seek the professional help they need. Encourage your wife to see her physician and to ask for a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist. Psychotherapy can also help diminish the severity of SAD, so you should encourage your wife to get help, rather than sneering at her for “sulking.”

Treatments involving special lights can help by providing a sort of “replacement sunshine” during the gloomier months, but many sufferers also require medication.

SAD can stem from causes other than a lack of sunlight. For example, if a person has bad memories of a time of year due to a traumatic experience, that period’s approach can trigger symptoms of depression.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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