Have to grieve your own way, but reach out

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This article was published 17/03/2025 (565 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Our family is in mourning since my younger brother died — and everybody’s freaking out. There have been everything from blowups with one another to drinking way too much.

Some people, like me, are being hermits because people offer their condolences and pat me on the back awkwardly, and then my tears come again, even in public. I’m so sick of crying.

Aside from pinning a note on my chest that says, “I don’t want to talk about it,” I don’t know what else to do.

Sometimes all it takes is an awkward pat on the shoulder, and my tears come streaming down again. It’s too embarrassing for me to sit there and take their pity. Most people really don’t know me well enough to touch me or hold me, so it’s awkward for both of us. I imagine they’re actually dying to get away from me.

I’ve recently stopped going out because of all this. I feel like I’m fading out, too. What can I do?

— Lost My Brother, North End

Dear Lost My Brother: Grief counselling can be helpful because the counsellor is an objective outsider with no personal connection and has the education and experience to aid you. They can work with you to lift you up and get you back to feeling more normal. Places of worship, social-work offices, schools and regular physicians can help with contacts for you.

When you run into friends who give you a pat on the back and offer to listen, just say, “Thanks, but I can’t talk about it yet without getting upset. However, I do need company going out and doing things, so I don’t dwell on losing him.” Then be specific. “How about doing something with me, like playing cards or pool or going to a movie?” That will work.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was shopping at a mall recently when I saw a familiar-looking woman doing some “five-finger discount” shopping. It was my neighbour and friend, who’s very well off. There’s no need for her to shoplift, unless her personal and financial situation has crashed or she’s under some kind of mental and emotional strain.

Within minutes, I saw mall security closing in on her and they took her away. I’m pretty sure my friend didn’t see me.

I’m feeling so sick for her, but I don’t know if I should contact her. I know I could help if she’d let me. I’ve taught classes on this topic because I used to be in her place — I have lived experience as a shoplifter.

But how do I just phone her out of the blue and tell her I saw her get busted and that I used to be a shoplifter myself and I may be able to help her stop?

— Wanting to Help, Sage Creek

Dear Wanting to Help: Call her and say, “I think I may be able to help you. Did you see me at the mall the other day? I saw you in a certain store,” and then name it. She may bark back something like, “So what?” In that case, just say calmly, “I used to have trouble with shoplifting myself. I personally know people who can offer you excellent counselling help.”

Then let her know how you attained effective help to stop the behaviour. Don’t be judgmental and assure her you won’t be mentioning the incident to anyone.

Offer her your relevant contacts and let her think about it. Encourage her to call you, even just to chat as friends. She’s probably a bit in shock, especially if she’s being charged. If she doesn’t call, contact her again soon to check how she’s doing. She may have changed her mind about getting help, but just didn’t have the nerve to call you back.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I accidentally kicked my new husband when I was sleeping — like a mule kick. I was just having a nightmare, but he wouldn’t listen to my apologies and got up and to sleep on the pull-out sofa in the living room for the rest of the night.

The next morning he loudly demanded another apology from me before he went to work. I said, “I can do you one better than that,” and I went next door after work to sleep at my sister’s place for the night. He got the whole bed to himself. Now I’m back home and he’s sulking big-time. What do you suggest?

—Newlywed Mess, West Kildonan

Dear Newlywed Mess: There could be a nasty crack in your brand-new marriage if you don’t repair the damage quickly. Say to your man: “Look, we both reacted like kids over that kick. I am so sorry you got booted accidentally, but yelling at me also hurts.”

Then suggest the two of you make peace, forgive each other and learn from the experience. Let him know you’re willing to buy a long pillow to wrap your legs around and start saving up for a king-size bed together. That could be fun.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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