Ex’s sexuality really none of your business now

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This article was published 07/03/2025 (581 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was shocked to spot my ex-husband with a man at an event recently. They were clearly “together” by the intimate way they touched each other. My jaw dropped. Who knew my husband was bisexual? He was always up for sex with me when I was his wife. We never had children together, though.

Now I’m wondering if he was leading a double life with me. The man with him looked strangely familiar, and then I finally remembered him. He used to have longer hair and a strange moustache, but now he’s gone completely grey and has shaved.

He used to be one of my husband’s more distant friends — or so I thought. Do I have the right to call up my ex and ask the questions I’m dying to ask?

— Disturbed Ex, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Disturbed: Your time with your ex-husband is over and you don’t share any children. You have no good excuse to call. Phoning to pepper him with personal questions about his sex life is going to be met with an angry response.

You certainly won’t be greeted by a friendly voice, saying, “Oh, I was hoping you’d call up one day and ask me about my sexuality.”

Look, your ex may have been so far in the closet when he was married to you that even he didn’t know for sure. But maybe the guy you recognized was your ex-husband’s lover when you were together.

In any case, how would you feel if your ex-love phoned you up out of the blue and questioned you about your love life and sexuality these days?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother-in-law is a fancy lady who buys designer dresses and says things like, “It was on sale for only $599.95. Can you believe it?“ She and dad-in-law can certainly afford it now, even though she has never worked. I really love them both.

I fell madly in love with their youngest son several years ago. When my guy introduced me to his parents, I adored them, too. I wanted to be living that kind of life and be in the midst of that kind of family, and it happened.

My father-in-law likes to say to people, jovially, “My wife has never had to work a single day in her life, except to look after my six children.”

I’m an old-fashioned woman who just wants one or two kids — and no serious career. My divorced mother always worked full-time, so I was an only child left with babysitters most of the time. It was a lonely childhood after my dad took off.

My husband and I got married just six months after meeting. He works with his father. At first, my husband started treating me just like his dad treats his mom — smothering me with gifts.

But then I got pregnant too soon and my husband isn’t happy with me. If I bring home a quality clothing item, he says, “That better have gone on your credit card, not mine.” And he’s not joking.

What’s happening here? His father would have given the whole world to his mother and yet my husband turns out to be a cheapskate ever since we got married. Where did this come from?

— In Shock, The Gates

Dear In Shock: It seems you married a “lifestyle” you hoped to have as much as the man himself.

Did you warn your husband you intended to follow in his mother’s family-centric footsteps? He may have imagined you were a more modern woman who would want a career and a couple of children. It seems you never really talked it out.

It may not be romantic, but couples really need to spend time looking at a timeline and family goals that suit them both before they decide to get married.

The reason your husband’s dad doesn’t react with shock when his wife spends big money on herself is because it’s later in the marriage and he’s making more than he can spend now. Ask him about how it was financially in the beginning.

You and your husband need to compromise on your lifestyle goals. Maybe you could plan to work half-time once your kids are in nursery school. And who knows? Grandma loves kids so much she might like to babysit your kids part-time.

Help your husband see ways you can contribute, be happy and enjoy life together, both now and down the road. For instance, with a baby on the way, maybe he can shoot for a different position in the family business with higher pay — and start to relax with you about financial issues.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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