Don’t keep holiday heartache totally under wraps

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This article was published 06/12/2024 (648 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband just reached out to me from the jail he imposed on himself after I caught him cheating. He has been living at his brother’s cabin and driving in every day to his work on the edge of the city.

The problem now is he is feeling the loss of Christmas, which is always a big deal at our house, and he’s hinting hard, trying to get in on the holiday activities with all of us. Of all the nerve.

Our teenage sons just put up the lights around the picture window and are dying to do the giant tree near the driveway, which requires adult help and a tall ladder. They would really like to invite their father to drive in and help with both that big tree and the indoor family tree, but I simply can’t bear the pain of having him inside with me.

Plus, I refuse to leave my home while just my husband and the boys decorate it together. My naive boys think their dad’s love affair is over with, but I know, from a spy, that my husband is still seeing this woman. The hurt is deep for me.

Should I tell the boys the truth of the circumstances, and if so, before or after Christmas? Please advise.

— Holiday Hurt, South St. Vital

Dear Holiday Hurt: Grace under pressure is admirable and extremely hard to come by in the midst of a recent breakup — especially at Christmas. But having their dad in the house to decorate the tree, like nothing has happened, is going too far for your mental health, particularly while he’s still seeing his other woman.

There’s no use in lying about this to the boys or close family, although you don’t have to go into details about the other women too deeply.

Here’s a compromise: make arrangements with a girlfriend to visit her for a Christmas movie and a drink, and maybe you both bake treats to swap.

That’s when your husband can come by the family house and do some decorating with the boys. Then you can come home, see the work the guys did, and say bye-bye and thanks to your ex. After he’s gone, you and the kids can put up the rest of the decorations.

Also, be sure to advise your ex ahead of time exactly how things are going to go.

The good news is the cheerful Christmas lights and trimmings will make the season seem a bit less dark for everybody in the family during an emotionally tough year.

The challenge for you is to keep reminding yourself you still want the boys to be close to their father no matter what happens in your marriage.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a musician, with a sticky problem. A passionate woman I loved and left dumped an unwrapped music box in the snow on my back step as a spiteful Christmas gift. It’s beautiful and plays Claire de Lune.

It was covered in snow, so I took it in and brushed the poor thing off. Ordinarily, I would be touched by such a personal gift of a nice antique piece like this. Too bad she has already betrayed me with another guy. I know she’s hurting since I told her I’d had enough of her for life.

So what should I do with this music box? I want to put it back on her step, but I would hate for the little thing to freeze and crack waiting for her to take it inside, because she’s so mad at me. What should I do?

— Musician Forever, West End

Dear Musician: Don’t take this little music box back to your ex-girlfriend’s house. She might boot it right back into the snow. It really should be kept at room temperature, and loved. Find someone else in your family to love it and take it to them.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in a panic. I just found out from a friend of a friend that my boyfriend is springing an engagement ring on me this Christmas Eve. No.

I do love the guy, but I’m only 23, and I don’t want to get married until I’m through university and I’m a family physician.

Knowing that I’m going to have to refuse the ring and humiliate him is bad enough, but the topper is that ring was his recently deceased grandmother’s. I absolutely refuse to wear any other woman’s wedding ring, ever.

Should I tell him right now I don’t want to get engaged? Please help.

— Too Much, Too Soon, Charleswood

Dear Too Much: Tell your boyfriend gently — and before Christmas — that marriage “might” be a good idea in the future if you both still feel the same way about each other, but now is definitely too soon.

If he says, “But I already have the ring for you — my grandmother’s diamond ring,” be ready to explain. Tell him, “I know you were very devoted to your gran, but I could never enjoy wearing another woman’s ring.” He might not like that at first, but it’s likely he can come to understand if you explain your feelings well.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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