Don’t jump to conclusions with mom’s new flame

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 05/12/2024 (628 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother ran into an older guy she had a crush on in high school. They were at a work summit when it happened.

Now they’re having weekend visits. He only flies mom to his city and pays for everything (or so I overheard). He never comes here to Winnipeg, his old home. I was suspicious until very recently.

I haven’t met the guy yet, but now I hear from my mom that he’s finally coming here the week before Christmas.

Recently, when I’ve seen him talking to mom online, she’s gotten me to say a quick hello to him over her shoulder. I know he has a fancy hotel booked for them here and he and mom are hitting a couple of New Year’s Eve events together. How should I treat this guy?

— Feeling Awkward, River Heights

Dear Awkward: You don’t have to be overly warm with your mom’s new man, but you’ll get further in your evaluation of him if you’re not standoff-ish. Be smart and act polite when you finally meet him in person. He may genuinely be a nice guy.

No doubt you’ve already looked him up online and he may be aware of that. Wait and see how things go in real life with your mom and this new man. He may be a keeper or she may get tired of him on her own — as long as you don’t negatively push things.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I spotted my partner of four long years with his much younger new woman in the mall Christmas shopping. She looked like she was 21 years old. They were coming towards me carrying giant bags, deep in conversation.

When they got close, I stopped walking and started staring. Something caught the light — she was wearing an engagement ring with a big diamond. I was shocked.

I broke up with that cheapskate when we were living together because he refused to buy me an engagement ring — even a little one — and get married. I finally gave him an ultimatum and ended up in tears when asking him why he didn’t want to marry me. He said: “It’s not necessary. I like what we’ve got now and you know the saying — ‘Don’t fix what ain’t broke.’” That was so vulgar. I said to him, “Well, it’s broke now,” and ended the relationship. That scene destroyed my self-esteem for months.

But now, with this other woman, he was grinning like a fool and looked so proud of himself. I feel so low. Obviously, I wasn’t worth any kind of ring, but she is. Please help me understand why I was not worthy.

— So Crushed, Silver Heights

Dear Crushed: Be glad you didn’t get this man’s diamond and marry him. He’s no prize and a ring isn’t a statement of a woman’s worth. But you should consider the fact this new woman may be tougher than you are and knows how to handle a fellow with his kind of thought process.

She might have been OK with telling him what he was required to do. She may have told him what it costs to be with her for life at a point when the relationship was brand-new and sparkling. She might’ve said, “Right now,” and he might have gone for it.

She may also be strict enough to make him behave. Partners who have misbehaved in a prior relationship often haven’t liked themselves much for it and are willing to be taught.

As for you, it’s time to look for a guy who enjoys being one of the good guys and treats his partner with the kind of love and respect that leads to long-lasting passion and a deep commitment — with marriage and a ring.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography