Can’t stay stuck in limbo between love and lust

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This article was published 04/12/2024 (645 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My ex and I share a four-year-old son. He goes to his father’s home every other weekend and I’m OK with my ex having him throughout the week for short visits, too.

The problem is, when I drop off our son my ex often invites me in for a coffee and a chat, and gets our little guy involved with his trains. Then he leads me into the bedroom (of course we lock the door behind us) for a quick interlude.

I know I could easily remedy this situation by not going with him, but a girl needs some loving too. He wasn’t the best husband, but he was always the best in bed. I know I have to stop, but I just can’t.

I’m already involved in a relationship with a quiet new man who loves me deeply, but he’s not the least bit adventurous in bed — always the same old, same old.

I’ve tried to teach him, but he’s an impossibly slow learner. I’ve even suggested we should go to an erotic toy shop and get some implements and ideas. His response was, “Why do you need toys, when you’ve got this?” I feel underwhelmed to say the least. What should I do?

— Between Two Lovers, Windsor Park

Dear Caught: Both men are wrong for you. Sadly for everybody, including your son, you’re not looking for a great man who pleases you in every way and also loves your child and respects his privacy.

How does your little boy feel when you bring him through the door at your ex’s and then you both leave him alone? He might actually be able to hear what you’re doing.

It’s time your child’s dad started picking him up from your place for play dates. If you really want to get back together with him, and he wants that too, then it’s time to do the work to become a better couple. You’ll need to put the marriage back together again in a better way for all three of you. If you try hard enough, you can probably manage it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was doing some Christmas shopping recently when I ran into an old high school teacher of mine. When I was in his Grade 12 class, he was about six or seven years older, and single.

Both of us could feel the attraction at school, and we had a storybook dance at my graduation with all the lights swirling. We danced to three songs in a row — until my mother gestured with her finger across her throat to cut it out.

Right after I graduated, I left the province for more education. I’m still single and back here now for a new job.

My former teacher is divorced now. He quit teaching as it was too difficult for him to be trapped in a classroom, he said. He has his own outdoors-related business in Winnipeg now. I’m itching to phone him up to get together.

Should I? He’s not married or teaching anymore and he gave me his business card. Do you think that was an invitation to get in touch?

— Day Dreamer, Westwood

Dear Day Dreamer: He may simply be advertising his business to everybody with those cards, but it’s also possible he’s hoping you’ll give him a call.

It is a decade later and he’s not involved in the teaching world anymore, but he might not feel he should be the one to act first. That leaves it up to you. Why not visit him at his business when you’re out doing holiday shopping and see if he wants to grab a quick lunch with you?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went Christmas shopping and thought it would be a kick to stop by my wife’s work and take her out to lunch. They have a friendly office and I’ve done it before with no problems, but this time they seemed shocked when I dropped in and asked for her.

The secretary said she thought my wife and I were away together on a Christmas shopping trip to the U.S. She asked if I came back early. I backed away feeling confused. Obviously, my wife secretly went somewhere for the day.

I decided to ask her best friend and drove right over. My wife’s car was there. I rang the doorbell and nobody came for a long time. Finally, they both came to the door looking ruffled and my wife said, “So now you know about us.”

Stunned, I asked about what. My wife said, “About our relationship,” and pointed to her friend. I said I didn’t believe her and walked back to the car.

At home, it took a whole day to accept what I’d seen with my own eyes. Now what? I still love my wife very much and she says she loves me, but she just wants us to be friends now. Is she losing her mind? We had a happy life and have grown kids together.

I’m in pieces. Obviously, I wasn’t enough for her. I always knew her friend was a lesbian, but I didn’t know they had an attraction. This woman recently broke up with her wife.

Something’s up and it feels big. It hurts me enough to be cast aside, but this whole affair casts a dark shadow over what I thought we had together. Please help.

— Rejected, Westwood

Dear Rejected: The more talking you can manage with your wife, the clearer this mystifying situation will get in terms of the timeline and the intensity of the relationship. If you’re so hurt and angry you find you’re yelling, then see a relationship counsellor alone a time or two and get your thoughts and feelings off your chest.

If your wife has already decided she wants to live with this woman, then you’ll also want to get some additional counselling to help you adjust to this shocking new reality. Someday you may be friends again, but it will take some time to get past the worst of the pain and rejection. A new girlfriend — even a casual one — will help your pride more than you realize.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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