Don’t disguise discontent over costume snub

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 28/10/2023 (1029 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I always go to our favourite Halloween party as a famous pair — starting with Romeo and Juliet nine years ago. This year my mate, who has been distant with me the last several months, doesn’t want us to go as a pair for the first time ever. He says he wants to be his own character and for it to be a surprise.

I guess I shouldn’t have been so surprised as since last summer when he turned 32 he has been drifting away from the tight unit we used to be. I kind of ignored this costume suggestion, thinking he would never have the gumption or the creativity to come up with his own outfit.

Well, he has surprised me. He rented his own costume and left it in the trunk of his car. I grabbed his keys to go for a few groceries yesterday, and when I went to put the food in the back — there was his costume. He’s going as a pirate, and I suspect from the detail of the costume — black breeches, vest, big shirt with balloon sleeves, boots, wig, black eye patch — he wants to look sexy.

Sadly, it’s not a show being put on to captivate me. I thought immediately, “Who’s going to be at that party he wants to impress?” So I contacted the hostess and casually asked who would be coming. She mentioned a few names and then the very woman from my husband’s work I suspect he has a crush on.

Now I don’t even want to go, but if I refuse, I think he’ll go anyway and be glad I won’t be there to stand guard. What should I do? Please help me.

— Can’t Disguise Disappointment, The Maples

Dear Can’t Disguise Disappointment: Don’t play into this drama. Instead, tell your husband what you suspect is going on well before the party. Also state that you want to know the truth about your marriage and if he’s been flirting with this certain woman from work. Then watch his face carefully and wait. If he hesitates and looks guilty, ask him how far it has gone.

If he laughs out loud, you may have been badly mistaken. Perhaps he just wanted to surprise and delight you on party night. Or maybe he’s just sick to death of being “linked” as if he only exists as part of a couple and isn’t a separate being anymore.

It could be he wants a strong and unique identity again, but within the marriage. There’s nothing wrong with that. It just means you have to be everything you are naturally and not expect him to play the complementary male role at Halloween.

Whatever you do, don’t stay home from this party. Be there in costume as a glamorous character of your own — Cleopatra might be a good choice of costume for you this year. And don’t act like a sulky mouse at the party, especially when talking to the woman you suspect of flirting with your husband. Let her see you are strong, and that she better not get in your way.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I discovered I can be “in like” with people of both sexes and even flirt and have sex with them. However, I am a serious woman and I only fall in love with a partner I connect with at a very deep level. That is almost always a female.

So, into my life dances this new man who is considerably younger and a bit effeminate. We just hit it off like crazy. I thought he had changed the trajectory of my life until yesterday when he told me he is in love with a man he met online who lives in the States, and is just marking time until they can be together. What a shock!

As a result, I don’t know who I am and what I want anymore, and I’m a mess. Please help me steer my way to safety. I feel like I’ve just been…

— Hit By a Truck, West Kildonan

Dear Hit By a Truck: It can be difficult to be bisexual at the best of times, but for you right now, it’s just painful and confusing. It seems you lean more toward a real female-female pairing. If that’s the case, an effeminate guy is not going to fit the bill as your partner, though he may have a more female-like take on many issues.

When your life gets mixed up like this, the best plan is to get at least a few weeks of in-person counselling help from someone who is open-minded, educated and wise about different gender and sexuality issues.

Check out the Women’s Health Clinic (womenshealthclinic.org), which is open regular office hours and takes walk-ins on Thursday evenings. They attract people of all types and sexuality, see a lot of women and will be sympathetic to your situation. They’ll definitely refer you to the right kind of counsellor.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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