Reaction to sexy snapshot exposes trust issues

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/10/2023 (1059 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend is working in another country for a year, and I’ve been missing him so much!

In my last care package, wrapped up in a thick new sweater for him, was a gift of a nude photo of me. It was taken very recently, by my close female cousin, but instead of loving snapshot and thanking me, he turned on me!

He wanted to know “what guy” I was seeing who had taken my naked photo — and what had we been doing just before it was snapped. The jealousy and horrible remark turned me right off. It also made me cry and feel ashamed for sending this very personal gift to a guy who obviously doesn’t love and trust me!

I don’t know how to respond. My cousin said to cut him off, but that makes me look guilty! He’d likely then just be angrier. Plus, what will he do with my photo?

What can I do now? I desperately want my picture back, but if I break up with him, will he put it on the Internet as revenge? Please help me.

— Worried Sick, East Kildonan

Dear Worried Sick: Rather than escalate the problem, message him back in a lukewarm manner, with some news from people he knows in Canada. He won’t be expecting that at all. Don’t mention the nude photo, and don’t show him you’re upset. Let him see the relationship is waning on your side, and if he mentions that in his next phone call, tell him he’s the one who cooled it off.

Once he realizes he poured water on the fire, it’s likely he’ll turn around and try to make up with you, or even tell you he “forgives” you.

However, if he has something else going on with a new girlfriend overseas, he may just fade you out. Let him do that without a fight.

As far as the photograph itself, you have every right to ask for it back. If you sense the relationship isn’t winding down amicably, you might remind him that non-consensual distribution of such photos is illegal under Manitoba’s Intimate Image Protection Act.

According to the act, you don’t lose the expectation of privacy for your images even if you consented to the other person recording them or you provided the photos.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My older parents are fighting and it isn’t the usual sort of couples’ bickering. I’m married with three young kids and one of the children told me after the last weekend sleepover that “Grandpa makes grandma cry at night!”

I phoned my mother and she said, “Oh no! They were awake? I didn’t know.”

I asked what was going on and she told me my father was drinking and gambling again. I said I wouldn’t put the kids through what we went through as children.

She said, “Oh no! You’re not going to keep the kids from us, are you?” I didn’t answer. I don’t know what to tell her. I know how much she loves the children, but what can I do?

— Feeling Sick, River Heights

Dear Feeling Sick: You are right to keep your children safe from hearing the fights and seeing your father’s behaviour towards your mother. Grandma can still come to your place to babysit, especially now that she and your father are on the outs again.

Strongly encourage your mom to get in touch with the people who helped your father stop drinking and gambling before.

For immediate personal help, encourage her to call Al-Anon (al-anon.org), which offers support to the friends and family of people who have problems with drinking, drugs or gambling. You may benefit their help, as well!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography