Time for clarity over troubling ‘ex’ factor

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This article was published 29/08/2023 (817 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband talks in his sleep. I didn’t care until last week when he called out a woman’s name I instantly recognized. He was dreaming about his ex-girlfriend and saying the word “baby” after her stupid name. I shook him awake, we fought and I cried.

I heard him telling my jealousy story to his best buddy over beers in our backyard. They had a big ol’ laugh about it! (Nothing like the boys club.) Then I heard this guy say, “She was hot! Where did she go?”

My husband replied, “She’s still in the same house — cool new paint job. She finally finished law school, and now she’s working at (so-and-so) law firm, and really likes it.” What? How does he have all this up-to-date information on his hot ex, and how she likes her fancy new job?

Do you think he’s been visiting her?

— Sick to my Stomach, Fort Garry

Dear Sick: Best-case scenario? Your mate may have gotten the gossip about his ex from a mutual old friend. Or he could have driven by his old girlfriend’s house and seen the paint job, and also talked to her on the phone. Worst-case scenario? He could have got this info straight from the horse’s mouth, on a sneak visit to her place.

You need to ask your husband about this and watch his face and body language when he answers. If he’s been over there visiting, he’ll probably say, “but nothing happened.” Your question should be, “How would you feel if I visited my ex’s home by myself, even if I said nothing happened?” Good luck with this difficult, but necessary, conversation.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend and I want to move into her big old house together, but she has a dog. I have an old tomcat who absolutely hates dogs. I don’t want to stress him out in his final years, but delaying the next step of our love relationship for three to five years doesn’t seem reasonable to me or to her. We’ve been dating 18 months.

Her dog is extremely well-behaved. Still, every time we bring the dog around on a leash, my cat freaks out like he’s in mortal danger! It seems like a lost cause. Our relationship as a couple is otherwise great, but I made a lifelong commitment to this animal, and I won’t have him living out his twilight years in constant stress.

My girlfriend understands but is getting impatient, especially because her peace-loving animal could handle moving in together just fine. Please help.

— Girlfriend Fed Up, Wolseley

Dear Girlfriend Fed Up: Your pets are going to have to learn to co-exist, even if they can’t stand the sight of each other’s fur, at first. You and your girlfriend will have to stick to a strategic plan, and stop backing off so quickly when your kitty gets its back up.

At this point, mister cat knows if he’s nasty enough, he will be taken back home again, right away. All it takes is a short investment of hissing and screeching.

If you move into your lady’s big house, the fights might be over quickly if she gives your old cat his own territory — like one room with a door. Some pet owners also put a baby gate in the door frame for the cat to see out and jump over, and it still keeps the dog out. You may not have to keep that gate up forever. It helps a lot that your lady’s dog is a harmless happy-go-lucky kind of pooch.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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