Choice boils down to practicality versus passion

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This article was published 23/08/2023 (1142 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I live with a “working” musician. He’s wonderful, except for the fact he can never keep a day job longer than a couple months. He always ends up quitting for some immature reason, and he’s 28 years old already!

I know he’s looking for his big break, especially now COVID-19 has stopped killing his gigs. He certainly has the talent, but he also needs a steady income. He gets fired because he sleeps in and ends up missing shifts at his day job. Sometimes he lies to his boss about being “sick” when he’s just tired from playing at the bar. They know he’s a musician and they fire him, or he says “I quit!” and just goes back to bed.

But I must say he’s an absolute prince to me! I love the way he treats me, and how he says I’m the love of his life. I see it in his eyes. I just worry our lives will be up and down as a result of this music thing, and I will be taking on extra shifts to pay our bills. I love him so much, but am I stupid?

Am I wrong to wonder if someone a little more responsible might be better for me, or would I be bored stiff and wanting my man back?

— Confused RN, West End

Dear Nurse: Don’t settle for less than what your kind of personality needs! If you’re a practical person at heart — and not terribly romantic — you should leave this guy and look for someone who is sweet but dependable. If you know in your heart you are also a big romantic, and are able to bring in enough money to keep a small family afloat, then stay with your man while he’s playing in bands and working to break through.

One small warning: If you do decide to stay with him, you’ll need to stop giving him the message you don’t respect him for being what he is first and foremost — a serious musician. He’s also a man who loves you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My dad recently divorced my mom and “started“ dating a woman almost immediately. I think he was cheating on my mom way before she broke things off.

That wouldn’t be a surprise knowing what he’s been like over the years. Now he’s saying he and his “new” woman might get married soon. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s just to make my mom upset, because it’s certainly working!

People don’t get engaged after three months — especially if they just got a divorce — or do they?

I want to tell him off, but I’m so angry and disgusted. I’m seriously considering just cutting him out of my life. What do you think?

— Suspicious and Angry Son, North End

Dear Suspicious and Angry: Give your dad the cold shoulder for a time but don’t reject him totally! It’s way too hard (sometimes impossible) for two proud people to come back from a sudden standoff once things have cooled down. They may wish they could take back their nasty words but pride keeps them apart.

Sometimes there are terribly sad death-bed scenes with people trying to mend things, but by then it’s almost too late. They’ve missed so much they could have shared, if they’d just worked things out.

Whatever happened between your mother and father doesn’t mean you can’t still have relationships with both parents, if you work certain things out. Go for counselling on your own, and after a few sessions ask your father to join you.

You can speak plainly in that space, saying, “It looks to me like you were cheating on Mom with your ‘new’ woman. This relationship is way too serious to have started in the last couple of months.” You could also express emotions such as “I’m furious about the way you’ve mishandled things and how you’re hurting and embarrassing Mom.”

Saying those difficult things beats yelling, “Get out of my life forever!“ and then regretting it for years.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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