Personal space plus intimacy can be tricky equation

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 28/08/2023 (1083 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I don’t know if marriage in the traditional sense is for me! I don’t think I ever want to share a home with someone else, but I still don’t want to be alone. I feel like a long-term open relationship would be perfect, but it seems like no one feels the same way for more than a year or so, and then they want more.

I’m upfront about what I want, and could do it indefinitely, but it always seems my relationship partners turn out to eventually want more. I’m tired of starting over, over and over! But what can I do? I know what I want.

— Alone but Together, southern Manitoba

Dear Alone but Together: Some people who need a little distance unknowingly work this time-and-space problem out by having time-consuming medical jobs, political positions, travelling work or hobbies that deeply absorb them. Or it could be that they may be part of a travelling band, professional sports team or artistic performance company which keeps them away a fair bit.

If they both accept this, then it’s no one’s fault and there’s little conflict. One person in a couple such as this may or may not share the same dedication to their profession or hobby, but the two of them are apart enough that they can cherish days, weeks or months when they can be together.

These lifestyles aren’t perceived as a slap in the face. However, a partner who says they just aren’t enthusiastic about seeing their lover’s face day in and day out, nor about always sleeping under the same roof in the same bed, is often perceived as a cold fish.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I believe my separated daughter with little kids is shoplifting. She was shopping with me last weekend for school stuff, and we unloaded a lot of food and school clothing from her vehicle at her house. I wanted to ask her about the sheer volume of it, but she immediately got called outside to referee a fight between my grandkids.

I was left alone in the house. I saw her bills and receipts from that day alone, and checked the contents of the bags. There were far fewer items on the receipts than there were articles of new clothing with tags on! What can I do as a worried mother?

I taught my daughter early in life to always be honest and not to steal anything. A lot of help that did, or maybe she’s just terribly broke and struggling?

— Shocked by Shoplifting, Garden City

Dear Shocked by Shoplifting: Approaching your daughter with a lecture on “bad” behaviour could get you locked out of her life. You need to gently find out if she can’t afford to keep her kids properly fed and clothed on the money coming in from her ex’s child support and her job, if she has one.

When the grandkids are asleep or gone to their dad’s house, use a calm, steady voice to say, “While unloading your grocery-shopping bags the other day, I found items that weren’t scanned through.” Ask her if she can tell you why. If there isn’t enough money for groceries, you could offer to help financially for now, but also suggest she see her divorce lawyer about an increase in monthly support.

If your daughter is soothing herself by overspending and shoplifting, encourage her to see a doctor about help for the anxiety underlying these feelings. Getting caught stealing would only cause more trouble for her!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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