Belated virginity shouldn’t be fodder for laughs

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This article was published 25/08/2023 (1086 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a guy who should have lost his virginity a long time ago. I finally filled out and started dating at the ripe old age of 19. My girlfriend finds this funny, and tells people, “He was a virgin when we met! Can you believe that?”

I don’t find this fact hilarious, and I’m sick of being reminded of it in public. It makes me feel stupid and embarrassed, like I’m a low-status lover.

Still, I don’t want to upset her as she tends to take criticism of herself way too seriously, and goes into self-protection mode. With a mouth like hers, that means trouble. I do love her, so please help me deal with this.

— No Longer the Male Virgin, East Kildonan

Dear No Longer: Your girlfriend wouldn’t be bringing up your belated virginity story if she weren’t trying to appear cool about her own experiences. With that in mind, tell her seriously, “I’m fine with the fact you experienced losing your virginity earlier than I did. I wish I’d had been able to experience sex earlier myself!”

Then add this warning: “But please stop talking about it now! I’m fed up with this kind of joking.” She needs to know you have limits, and will probably respect them — once you draw the line. Until you do, understand that she’s still going to go for those cheap laughs.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My beloved husband died close to five years ago. I was just coming out of the worst of my mourning for him when COVID hit! I just pulled in my tentacles and stayed home for two-and-a-half long years of the pandemic. I thought life was just going to be “family and grandkids” forever.

Little did I know! I got into volunteering and met some great new people. Since COVID let up I’ve been quietly dating one special guy I met there, but I’ve been purposely keeping him away from my family. Then, in July he had me up to stay at his beautiful lake cabin, and we’ve been sleeping together every few nights since, at both his home in the city and at the lake. That’s cool, but now he wants to meet my family! Oh no. Once he meets my three sons and their wives and children, I’m sure there will be expectations — from them, and from him.

The truth is I don’t want to marry again! I had a conservative marriage. I’m sick to death of cooking and cleaning and all that boring work. At my apartment downtown, I now have my girlfriends over for cards. We go out drinking and gambling and shopping in the States and I go travelling with “the babes.”

That’s my new lifestyle, but I suspect he may be a home-loving guy. How do I tell him I don’t want to live with another husband and play that “wifey” role a second time? How do I manage that jolt without losing him? I’m starting to really care about this guy — even starting to love him.

— Scared Stiff, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Scared Stiff: Screw up your courage and ask this man to tell you honestly what he wants in your relationship. He may surprise you; he may not want a “wifey” type at all. You think he hasn’t seen how you live by now? (Note: he’s still with you.)

This guy seems to have an independent personality of his own. You can bet he’s already figured you out, and is well acquainted with your independent lifestyle, yet he still wants to keep get close, and even meet your family.

More importantly, you say you are beginning to “love” the guy. Try to imagine how you’ll feel if you freeze him out prematurely. At least, stop hurting his feelings and be respectful enough to introduce him to your family and see how they like each other. Be aware though, some “adult children” don’t want or need a guy who’s a repeat of their deceased father. This guy may fit in easily with them, even if he’s quite different.

You simply don’t know at this point, nervous bunny! There’s much more you need to find out before you turn tail and run.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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