Break standoff to get at what’s come between you

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 03/08/2023 (1109 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband went to Folk Fest with some friends and camped. I loudly refused to go, because of illness in our family. I told him, “No! The kids are sick and need me at home!” I saw a flicker in his face, one that he gets when he’s deeply annoyed. I ignored it and he went without me and stayed for two nights.

Since then, he has been different — quieter, and in the evenings he goes out “for a drive” and comes back before dark. Our kids are already in bed. I don’t know where he goes and I don’t want to know. Finally, he asked me last night, “Don’t you want to know where I go at night?”

I replied, “I’m not your keeper,” and he asked, “What does that mean?” I told him, “That’s biblical, for I am not in the business of looking after you.”

After he said, “I thought you’d actually care,” I quickly replied, “I do care about you — more than you know.” But now we haven’t spoken more than a few words since!

I’m staying strong, but I’m scared underneath. I’ve suspected he has had another woman since Folk Fest or was pretending to have one, to make me jealous.

I’m fed up with this overgrown boy and wish I’d married a real adult. I guess it’s too late. What should I do now?

— Tired of Games, Transcona

Dear Tired: A man who’s actually having an affair would not be likely to ask his wife if she wants to know where he’s going at night. It’s possible your husband has made this seem like an affair to get your goat — or sadly, he might be actually seeing someone else. There’s still that chance. He has a lot of built-up resentment about you and the marriage that needs expressing.

You need to tell him it would have twisted you up inside to leave your sick kids with a babysitter and go to a festival to party, and you just couldn’t do it. It’s time to see a marriage counsellor so you can both talk freely with a “referee” so you can try to work this out, for everybody’s sake.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went to a small wedding a couple of weeks ago, and I made it through the service not feeling very well, and then I threw up at the reception. I just made it to the bathroom, but word spread and people were talking. I was so embarrassed I had to leave my date there (the bride was his close cousin) and go home in a cab.

I feel badly and I’ve tried several times to write a note to the bride and apologize, but can’t find the right words. Do I need to do this? My mother says I should send a note to be polite.

— Bad Wedding Guest, Selkirk

Dear Wedding Guest: Most couples getting married are immersed in the wedding ceremony and then with the head table and all the fun and dancing. So just let it go, forgive yourself, and carry on. The bride doesn’t want or need the reasons for a guest’s upset stomach to add to the story of her wedding. In fact, it’s highly possible nobody told her, and that’s the way it should stay!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into an old “love” at a grocery store I usually don’t go to, when I was with my present girlfriend. I hadn’t seen this ex since the day we broke up. It was a bad scene way back when because she was seeing one of my close soccer buddies behind my back. Lots of people knew about it and told me too late. I felt like such a sucker.

All the ugly feelings came rushing back when my old ex made the mistake of putting her hand on my arm and trying to talk to me in the store. I pushed her off, and said too loudly, “Get away from me!”

Now my current girlfriend isn’t taking my calls. She’s worried I might be violent. I’m anything but, so people have often taken advantage of me. What should I do? I don’t want to lose her.

— Lost Control for a Second, Silver Heights

Dear Lost Control: When the emotional would from an old breakup is still raw years later, it’s wise to quietly go see a relationship counsellor or psychologist on your own. Get the incident out, and finally resolve it by learning new ways of handling these things.

We humans tend to carry too much around that could be “neutralized” if we’d just admit it’s still a problem. In your case, you need to do it right away, and then tell your new girlfriend the result. Then she can decide what she wants to do with the new information.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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