Sudden destructive display raises serious red flags

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This article was published 28/07/2023 (1164 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m scared because my live-in and I have had a few major blowups. The other day, we started arguing and he ended up breaking a ton of his own things. I’d never seen this side of his anger before.

I must admit I was pushing him. He threw a bunch of his own precious keepsakes on the floor and smashed them. Is this partly my fault? Did I push him to that? Or is it his fault for taking it there? Why was he breaking his own things? My friends seem to think he’s a major liability now.

— Living With a Man-Child? Elmwood

Dear Dating a Man-Child:It’s possible this guy used to smash his own toys when he was angry in order to manipulate his parents. It could also be that his parents — one or both — would fight like this, while he was growing up.

His display may also have been used as a demonstration to you of his capability for violence. It was definitely used to scare you and also to make you feel sorry and believe you were in the wrong. Don’t take the blame, which is what he wants.

It’s time to exit this relationship. You’re in danger of playing into the “you pushed me to be violent” belief, which is exactly what he wants. If you stay with him, the next stage could be smashing your precious things, or he may move straight into bodily violence with you. Your worried friends are right to warn you against this man.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I recently discovered the child I’ve been raising with my girlfriend for three years is not actually mine! I was fooled.

The real story is that my girlfriend got pregnant immediately by someone she was seeing just before me. He dumped her and left the province as soon as he knew about the pregnancy.

I met her and fell for her immediately, and stayed when she told me she thought she might be pregnant. She let me think the baby was mine. I love children and thought I loved her, so I was on board. I foolishly believed our baby came early. He was surprisingly big and healthy for a preemie, and now I understand why.

I helped raise this baby boy for three years, and I love him so much! But just recently, the real father came back to Manitoba. I asked my girlfriend, when she was drinking, about why she was so emotional lately — and she spilled it all. She showed me a picture of the real father. He also has a head of dark curly hair, and is the grown-up version of “our” baby. I am fair-skinned and blond.

I’m hurting so bad! We just broke up, now my parents are about to have their grandchild ripped away from them. Also, I will look like an idiot to everyone I know.

My girlfriend wants to be back with the real father, if he’ll have her, but she doesn’t know if he’ll take her back. It’s obvious she doesn’t want me. What can I do? My life seems to be a series of cruel jokes.

— Broken-Hearted, Winnipeg

Dear Broken: If you want to remain in the baby’s life, a possible role for you is to be a permanent friend of the family, particularly if the bio-dad doesn’t want to be involved. That’ll be difficult at first, but once you heal up and find a new woman to love, it won’t feel so bad. It will help your cause if you also offer financial support, so see a lawyer about how a form of co-parenting could work.

In terms of your own love life, you’ll need to find a very understanding new partner, who is accepting of your continued friendship with the child’s mother and the little boy you love.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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