Don’t be guilted into blaming self for ex’s infidelity

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/07/2023 (1166 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend recently admitted, when she was drunk and feeling confessional, that she’d cheated on me three years ago. She’s lived with me in this same apartment for almost four years, and it happened the first summer after we moved in.

She was supposedly at the lake “with a girlfriend,” but she really spent the weekend at a cabin with her old boyfriend from the States when he was back in town.

I told her to she’d have to leave immediately, but she wouldn’t go! She actually thought getting mad at me — making it my fault — would be the way to get me to let her stay.

I find it absolutely incredible she thinks if I’d somehow “done things differently,” without knowing there were any real problems between us, she’d have stayed true. No, I think she would have done it no matter what, considering she had no problem keeping the lie up for three long years.

She’s finally gone this week and I can’t stop thinking: what the heck is wrong with this woman’s head?

— Absolutely Gutted, Bridgwater

Dear Gutted:This big lie may have been bothering her conscience on and off for three years after she cheated on you — but she was still too fond of your relatively new relationship to fess up, and possibly ruin everything, so she just sat on it.

Then, for some reason, the old betrayal was top of mind again! She stopped being careful and all it took was a few too many drinks for that nasty old secret to come flying out of her mouth.

When she tried to make it seem like your behaviour justified her cheating, she probably knew that was malarkey. In the end, you’re left shocked but also free of someone you don’t trust anymore. Don’t waste too much time trying to think of what you did to “make” her betray you. She was happy living with you, after all.

She should have broken it off with you before she went off with her old honey for a romantic weekend in the woods, but she wanted both of you. Sometimes in life, you can’t have it all!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve only been dating my new man for two months, but I think I’ve given him the wrong idea — he dominates all of our decision-making.

The other day I lost it on him at a restaurant he chose after I gave our server my order. He just raised his voice and told the guy, with a laugh, that I didn’t know what I wanted, and ordered me something else!

I asked him where he got off ordering for me. He reminded me he’d been “deciding things for us” since we made things official that we’re a couple — and he thought that was what I wanted.

I said, “No way! That’s total crap!” I got up and left and walked all the way home. I’d brought no money, because he always pays for everything. On second thought, I do blame myself a little, because it was so easy for so long to just let him decide things and pay for everything.

Truth is, I’m weak or just lazy when things don’t matter that much, but he left me feeling powerless and totally embarrassed at the restaurant! He keeps phoning me, and I don’t answer. But it’s so hard to find a new guy. Should I give him another chance?

— Lonely Days and Nights, Garden City

Dear Lonely:Don’t give in to your own laziness instead of looking for a better fit! While it’s true you invited this extremely controlling man to take the lead, what he did after you’d already ordered dinner was totally disrespectful. To make it worse, he tried to make a fool of you to the waiter.

Pretty soon this guy might have been dictating what you — “his” woman — wore, if you worked or not and who you had as friends, if any. Plus, he might have taken over control of all the finances, and that would mean you’d have no power at all. You need to choose the opposite kind of man — one who encourages you to think for yourself and stand on your own two feet.

To expedite this change in yourself, introduce conversations with girlfriends, mothers and sisters about the power issues in their relationships, and how they handle them — particularly those who share good decision-making easily with their mates.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography