Your regrettable tryst has put paid to marriage

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This article was published 21/07/2023 (1171 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I hit my breaking point the other night and messaged an escort service. I’ve been married to my wife for eight years, and we haven’t had sex for the last three. She still expects me to help her with everything, and has no problem being rude to me.

The experience wasn’t great, and in the end, I felt extremely guilty. Now I just feel sad — for myself. I know I did a terrible thing, but I think I’m sad because I now know my marriage is over.

How do I stop the self-hate? I feel like I should have just been man enough to end things. Her cold, rude demeanour pushed me over the edge, but why did I have to cheat on her like that?

— Made a Big Mistake, North End

Dear Big Mistake: Sometimes people feel pushed beyond their limits and do something rash to get back at the person they feel is humiliating them. That rarely goes well. Would it help to confess that you cheated with a sex worker? Maybe, but chances are your angry wife will tell someone, who will tell someone else in a gossip chain, and most of the family will find out one day.

It’s actually fortunate you’re not still sexually active with your wife. You need to get tested to make sure you haven’t picked up any STIs. Also, you really need to go for counselling ASAP, either as couple or by yourself — even if it’s just to agree to accept the end. Finally, you may need to secure the services of a lawyer you don’t share with your wife.

Stop berating yourself. This relationship has run out of its beauty, kindness and warm physicality. You don’t want any more of this sexless marriage, and there’s a good chance your wife wants out, too.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just learned my husband of almost 20 years has burned through most of our savings playing VLTs. He’s always taken care of the finances, and I just trusted him. Last night he told me the truth and I actually slapped him hard! He lost over $30,000 of our money. He had tears running down his face — and then, so did I.

I grabbed my keys and my purse, and slammed the door behind me. I got in the car and drove around town aimlessly for four hours, before getting a hotel room.

We’re not rich people, but we managed to build this nest egg. In the last year, every night he went off to “play some cards with the guys” he was actually playing VLTs wherever it was convenient.

I can’t believe I hit him, but I wanted to kill him in that moment! Can we even get a divorce if neither of us has any money? My life is ruined.

— Now What? Winnipeg

Dear Now What: It was a terrible blow to discover your $30,000 nest egg is gone, but that doesn’t mean you can’t do what needs to be done to dissolve your marriage — or save it, if you want to. Much of that will depend on whether your husband wants to get gambling addiction help. Also, has your anger and mistrust destroyed all respect, or could it be rebuilt if your husband conquered his addiction and slowly paid back the nest egg?

The Manitoba Addictions Foundation deals with gambling addicts and their upset partners, friends and family on their problem-gambling helpline (visit afm.mb.ca for details on how to connect).

No matter what, you need to separate your finances immediately from your husband’s, and experts advise that you should not agree to take on responsibility for paying back money a gambling addict owes.

If you still have enough money from your own job to live independently, you may want a separate residence, ASAP. As for the slap you dealt, imagine if your husband had hit you back across the face. That’s physical violence, plain and simple, and illegal on both sides.

Please

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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