Don’t go chasing that first-time fling feeling

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 20/07/2023 (1172 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: On a recent U.S. business trip I was staying in a hotel with a small pool and bar. While swimming in the pool, I met a very attractive younger woman and I invited her for a drink at the pool bar. We drank their special cocktails and talked for hours. She was impressed by my accomplishments and wanted to know “much more,” so we then had dinner together, and talked more.

That night we “slept” together, and it was fantastic! The problem is, I’m bisexual and have a man at home. Although a male-female romance hasn’t happened for me for years, I found this woman so delightful!

She’s been calling my cell since I got back to Canada and has no idea I have a mate here. Today I’m in shock because she called to say she was going to fly up here on her dime and surprise me. God knows I don’t need a surprise like that! I went silent.

She said, “You don’t want me to come, do you? Tell me honestly — are you married?” and I was able to say truthfully, “No, I’m not married.”

Now what? I want to see her and would like nothing more than to be with her just one more time. Should I risk it, or is that foolish?

— One Life to Live, Winnipeg

Dear One Life: You may want to see this young woman again and repeat the “delightful” experience you had the first time in the States, but now it wouldn’t be quite so delightful. Getting any further into a relationship with her is just asking for a lot of pain — for three people. You need to call this young woman back ASAP, and tell her the whole truth — for the sake of everyone involved. Make sure to do this before she calls you to say, “I’ve just landed at the airport in Winnipeg. Come and get me!”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A few years ago, I married a blue-collar man I thought had a heart of gold. But during COVID and after, political issues have heated up online and my husband has chosen a side I can’t stomach. A lot of the things he now stands for are in direct contrast to my liberal beliefs about rights and freedoms and “a woman’s place.”

I recently got into a big fight with him about his politics, and told him he lives in a confirmation-bias bubble. He asked, “What the heck is that?” I told him he only talks to people who agree with him, so he’s wrongly under the impression that he’s right about everything. He told me everyone at his work feels the same way as him!

I lost it and told him it was because he and his co-workers are all “incredibly uneducated.”

He says I crossed a line, and maybe I did, but at the end of the day, I’m married to a man who’s volunteering with a group of people who actively want women barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen.

He used to be so warm and loving and almost-liberal, but now he’s just angry about random political garbage all the time. Is our relationship even worth saving?

— Mistakes Were Made, St. James

Dear Mistakes Were Made: Your husband understood your “incredibly uneducated” judgment of him quite well. It’s not surprising he’s upset. On the other hand, you’re revolted by his new views on political issues and women’s roles.

Counselling is desperately needed now. If your husband won’t agree to go with you, go alone to figure out what you want to do — and the best way to handle it. You may want to dissolve the marriage at this point, as you haven’t mentioned having any children yet. As well, the dynamics between you as a couple have changed radically and aren’t likely to shift back.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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