It takes courage to admit you married too young

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 05/08/2023 (841 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I feel so stupid. I got married at 21, and here we are, only one hellish year later, and I’m done with it. I hate the man my husband is becoming! The nice guy I dated for years is gone. Now, he’s just rude and uncompromising.

We moved here to Winnipeg to be nearer to his friends and family, and he’s been a total jerk ever since. It’s like his close family are all against me. My feelings don’t seem to matter, and because I have nobody here on my side, he thinks he can always get his way. He knows I hate being left all alone, so he constantly punishes me with that.

I’m embarrassed, frustrated and angry, all at once! I feel like if we break up, all my friends are going to remind me how they told me not to get married so young at 21. Also, I will have no choice but to move back to Alberta, which will feel shameful to me. Is a marriage salvageable when your partner turns into someone else after the wedding? How do you turn them back into what they were before?

— Worried Sick About Everything, St. Boniface

Dear Worried Sick: This relationship was not your only chance at happiness, as there’s still lots of time to meet someone better and build a real, healthy relationship. It’s often better — especially when couples are still young and have no kids — to break up when they already know the marriage ahead is not going to be happy.

The best way for you to return home would be armed with the beginnings of a plan to better your life, and that includes finding a new job or going for further education. So, get on the phone and alert friends and family close to you about what’s happening.

Although you’re imagining people will be reminding you why they told you not to get married so young, close friends and family don’t tend to kick loved ones when they’re down. Family will be quite relieved to have you back, especially once they find out what’s been happening!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend and I are from different cultural backgrounds that historically have been enemies. Both sets of our parents are first-generation immigrants to Canada, but we kids were so incredibly attracted to each other right off the bat that we were a pair. Our love grew, and we always talked about how we’d eventually get married, and to heck with our parents’ opinions! Then we’d live the life we always wanted.

But lately, it’s becoming horribly apparent my boyfriend is not willing to marry me, although I always planned to marry him, and he knew that! I guess all his promises and sweet words were just lies, to avoid a tough conversation.

I feel broken and don’t know what to do. I’ll have wasted so many years on him, if he can’t find the courage to stand up to his family! The part that hurts the most is wondering if he ever had any desire to marry me, or if he was just leading me on. We haven’t spoken in two weeks, since he revealed his lack of intention. Please help me.

— Feeling Tricked and Bitter, West End

Dear Feeling Tricked: It’s unlikely this boyfriend was leading you on all these years. What’s more likely, is other personal problems have come between you, and he’s using the family situation to back out. That means only one thing — it’s time to let him go!

People need a very strong relationship to cope with all the routine difficulties of married life. It gets harder when you add in cultural baggage, particularly if parents don’t like the bride (or groom). Don’t make the sad mistake of trying to force a marriage here.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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