Playing third comes with real emotional risks

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 12/08/2023 (1101 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS:I recently became single again, and although it’s awful, it was a good move to make.

My wife and I were like peas in a pod and could finish each other’s sentences. It was totally boring in the end.

While I was unpacking in my new condo, I came upon an old photo album from Grade 12 graduation. It was mostly photos of me and my first serious girlfriend. We were all dressed up for the big party. All those memories came flooding back!

Without thinking, I dialled her old cellphone number — and she actually answered! I quickly said who I was, stumbling around for words. She saved the day by suggesting lunch at The Forks that very day. We went, and it was smooth and happy, like old times.

She wasn’t wearing any rings and I wasn’t either. I asked her if that meant she was a free bird. She said, “Not totally — but you are, right?” My heart sank. I said, “Yes, I’m single, but where is your man?” and she answered, “Out at the lake. He’s a teacher with summers off. I only have a few weeks.”

I asked how her guy would feel if he knew she was out with me, and she said, “No problem. We love each other, but we have an open relationship.” My mouth fell open in shock. Then there was an uncomfortable silence. She got up, and said, “Call me if you want to see me again!”

Now I don’t know what I want to do. I’m dying to know what she’s like now, sexually. We didn’t really know what we were doing in Grade 12 — certainly no technique on my side. I’m so tempted, but what if I fall for her emotionally? It’s all I can think about. Or what if she falls for me, and I’m not feeling anything?

— Head is Swimming, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Head:This might be more enjoyable if left as a fantasy about what could have been. Uneven numbers, where swinging is concerned, can end up being hurtful to somebody.

If both of you were single again, or it was a situation with two couples looking to experiment with each other, there’d be a better chance of balance, but given your former emotional experience with this woman, it could be very hurtful for her husband to see you re-connecting deeply with your high school love.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:I forgot my wife’s birthday again, but it was her own fault! I always tell her to put up reminders for me, like my old mum used to do. She never does!

I learned a week after her birthday that people at her work took her out for a birthday lunch. And then she came home, as she put it, to “our cold, empty house” with me out having fun.

I admit I did go to the horse races that night, and it wasn’t for nothing. I won some big money. If she’d have reminded me of her birthday, I’d have taken her to the track with me. I tried to give her part of my winnings — $200 — so she could go buy something for her birthday, from me. She rudely shoved my hand away. I didn’t know whether to feel guilty or just angry!

Why doesn’t she just remind me of her birthday, and avoid the annual disappointment? It feels like a guilt trip every year. I’ve tried everything to make up with her. She says she’s given up, as I’ll “probably do the same again.” If she keeps talking like that, I probably will!

— Unappreciated Husband, St. James

Dear Unappreciated:It’s not up to the grownup mate having the birthday to put up signs and beg their spouse to celebrate with them. Think back to when you were dating and trying to impress this woman. It’s unlikely anybody needed to be reminded then, but now, you don’t even care enough to memorize your wife’s birth date and plan something for her.

So watch out! You’re in the process of getting frozen out at home, and it could be a more serious issue than just another missed birthday. It’s time to stop the blame game, and have a heart-to-heart.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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