Shift in setting could help escape painful cues

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/08/2023 (1148 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My love is still alive, but my partner’s love for me has been secretly gone for months! I didn’t know what was going on behind my back until he went away on another business trip, and I was home sick with the flu. One morning, I found a personal letter to him in our mailbox, addressed in feminine-looking handwriting. The letter was fat — appearing to contain some photos.

I couldn’t help myself, and opened it! It was from a woman in another country, very mushy, signed with “love” and a bunch of stupid hearts. She looked young, like maybe 20. There was also a picture of her child. When he got home I confronted him, and he couldn’t deny it. He said he met a few women when he was lonely on business trips and he “might be in love” with her.

Now we’re breaking up and he’s told me to “just forget” him. I can’t! I still love him, although I know that sounds sick.

— Total Train Wreck, Garden City

Dear Total Wreck: First, somebody under your roof needs to move out — and it’d best be you. Why should it be you, the betrayed one, to leave? Because you have too many emotional cues to painful memories of living together in that space as love partners.

Moving home temporarily to parents who love you, or getting a place with roommates to keep you company and get you out socially, could help start your healing faster. Also, see your medical doctor ASAP to help you deal with issues that might come up, like losing sleep, not eating, feeling ill and stressors.

If you find you’re feeling confused, angry or depressed — and your work has an insurance plan for employees — you might also be able to see a psychologist at a reduced rate. Otherwise, counselling organizations often have sliding fees, and some places of worship offer free counselling.

The good news? As you slowly work through everything, your feelings for this guy who betrayed you will start seeping away, and you’ll find yourself feeling better — and much wiser — when the next guy comes along.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Why are men so threatened by women pleasing themselves sexually? My live-in boyfriend walked in on me having some fun time alone, and he was furious! He yelled at me, “Why do you need that, when you have the real thing?” He’s hardly spoken to me since, and he’s just sulking around the place.

I love our sexual time together as a couple, but sometimes a girl needs a little alone time. I’m sure I’m not the only woman in the world who does this. What should I do?

— Coldly Ignored for Two Weeks, Fort Garry

Dear Coldly Ignored:Some partners feel insecure when they know for sure their loved one needs something different than what they can give. It doesn’t bother them so much if they’re actually out-of-town and can’t provide any intimacy, but if their partner is simply choosing satisfaction with a sex toy at home, and doesn’t seem to need them, the toys may be resented.

Turn the situation around. Ask yourself how you’d feel if you found out your man was secretly using male sex toys available at sex shops or online, when he’s actually in town and could be making love with you. It might not bother you, but it would certainly bother some women!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography