Try to play peacemaker in mother-daughter scrap

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This article was published 15/08/2023 (1147 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m in the middle of an ongoing mother-versus-daughter competition and it’s getting nasty. My wife had our only child — a daughter — when she was in her teens and I was 20. Granted, she gave up a lot of her youth to raise the child, but now our daughter is 17, and it’s started to get scary around here.

My wife, for whatever reason, feels threatened by our daughter, who flaunts her beauty in her bikinis, shorts and bra tops. In last night’s fight, she accused her mother of being jealous of her because she’s still young and pretty, implying my wife was not. My wife was hurt and went off to bed and cried.

I understand the teenage years can be rough on parents, but this is getting really nasty. I don’t know how to stop these strange fights between my wife and daughter. Any suggestions? It’s getting ugly.

— Upset Husband and Father, Silver Heights

Dear Upset: It’s not unusual for a teenage daughter to make a few snarky comments to her mother — but usually not nasty digs about her mom’s looks. An open three-person conversation isn’t wise when things are so volatile, so instead, talk to your daughter privately to find out exactly what her mom said to start this hurtful exchange. Armed with that knowledge, go to your wife and talk with her. You’ll be acting as the messenger of mercy between the two people you love.

Unfortunately, this time period in your daughter’s life is the anniversary of your wife’s unexpected teenage pregnancy. She missed out on the last years of her youth, and may be resentful and feeling jealous of her daughter, who is now the same age and free to enjoy it.

Your wife may be looking at her daughter’s skimpy outfits and feeling some bitterness; she may have been less-than-kind in her thoughts and words. Your daughter was receiving those messages — some of them simply disapproving looks — and then reacting verbally, with anger.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is for “Over My Dead Body.” (That’s the “working man,” whose wife wants him to buy their family a cabin instead of renting. —Miss L.)

He needs to be reminded that in today’s world, the family relationship is such that the husband is an equal partner in child-raising. This includes striving to spend time with them, helping referee disagreements, and helping make it a fun experience for all.

Also, one would expect the wife would be a partner in financial decisions, such as buying a cabin. Maybe Dad needs to be frank and provide the real reason for his hesitancy. Some counselling may be in order, for all involved.

— Happy Cabin Owner, Whiteshell

Dear Happy: The response of “Over My Dead Body” to his wife’s cabin-buying request was reminiscent of an old-fashioned Archie Bunker-type husband. In 2023, that response would be met by most wives with an eye roll or a good argument.

However, not everybody is so modern in their ways of domestic life. Some families still live their summers just as their parents and grandparents did. Many moms of young kids still have a cabin rental for a few weeks or for the whole summer, while the dads stay home and keep working, except for the weekends.

Buying a cabin outright is just not affordable, and lawn-mowing and other upkeep at the lake keeps the adults extra busy.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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