Overreacting on ungrateful daughter could backfire

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 14/08/2023 (1097 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I and were so looking forward to travelling together after he retired! We were enjoying our empty-nester situation, and making plans. Then our 31-year-old daughter’s marriage broke up, and home she came. We gave her the guest bedroom with bathroom, and she treats it like her designated dumping ground!

She works her nursing shifts and comes back to home-cooked meals. She has yet to help clean up the kitchen, as she says she’s “beat from work.” I spoke to her, hoping to get her to respect our home. She said, “You’re a control freak Mom. I don’t know how Dad puts up with you!”

My husband will not say anything as she’s a Daddy’s Girl. I told him I’m giving her a move-out date, and he’s upset with me now. Am I wrong to do that? Please help.

— Disgusted Mother, East Kildonan

Dear Disgusted: Whoa! If you continue the way you’re going, you could end up losing your daughter, and the good relationship with your husband. There are nicer ways than a “move-out date” to get your daughter into her own apartment. The point is to give everybody their freedom back, not to break up the family for good.

Quietly encourage your husband to step up and help his daughter find a new apartment this fall. She’s earning a nurse’s salary, so she can support herself, but she may need a little startup money for furnishings.

Bottom line? You want your freedom back and the ability to go away on trips, feeling peaceful.

Be aware of this stumbling block: If you go to war with your daughter and she’s divorcing the family, your husband may not want to be living with you, anymore. So, be very careful, and let Dad handle things with his Daddy’s Girl.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This young man at work can’t take his eyes off me, and I find it embarrassing and hard to concentrate. Finally, I said: “You’re staring at me. Is there something wrong with your eyes?”

He replied, “I just find you pretty, but in a way I can’t figure out.” Really? What does that mean? Granted, I’m older by about 10 years, but I’m still a very good-looking woman.

I want to say something smart back to him, to put him in his place, but I don’t know what. Please advise.

— Extremely Annoyed, Downtown

Dear Annoyed: Never underestimate a smart young man who’s King of the Backhanded Compliment!

You took a shot at him and he fired right back! Don’t push him any further. You really don’t want him explaining in detail how you don’t look so bad — for an older woman!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is having an affair! There, I’ve finally said it to somebody. I’m everyone’s “go-to counsellor” when my family or friends need help, whether it’s emotional or physical support. Yet, I’m sitting at home in tears because I have no one to lean on, and I’m falling apart. I’ve tried to talk about my situation, and was told by that friend, “I can’t hear this. It upsets me!”

That hurt a lot. I feel so alone and sad! People say, “you get what you give,” but in reality, you don’t. What to do?

— Left Alone When I Need Help, Windsor Park

Dear Left Alone: When you’re acting as an adviser to friends, you need to go a step higher than those same pals to get expert help for yourself. The good news? An expert, well-educated counsellor or psychologist with experience may be able to give you an hour or two of constructive help, that will be worth a lot more than a whole afternoon complaining to a friend.

As for friends who say, “I can’t hear about your problems. It upsets me,” a good reply is this: “I feel the same way, so let’s stop burdening each other. Let me know when you want to go out for a fun activity instead, like a movie.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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