More talk is key for angst-free parental teamwork

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This article was published 02/07/2023 (1138 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife went ahead and rented a cottage for a whole month at our favourite lake this summer. She only has a two-week holiday, herself, so I’m basically the parent-in-charge of three kids by myself up there for two of the four weeks. I started panicking! I’m not the better parent for young kids by a long shot. I teach high school for a reason.)

I told my wife we should hire a “helper” for me at the lake, like she used to do for herself, before her job got so important she couldn’t take four weeks off anymore. She said, “OK, but not some young babe in a bikini.” We both laughed out loud at that! (Maybe I laughed a bit too loudly.)

By the next day’s end, she’d hired a teenage nephew of hers with lifeguarding credentials, who needs a job this summer. I should be grateful, but I’m not. What should I say to her?

— Seriously Annoyed, south Winnipeg

Dear Annoyed: No wonder you’re miffed! Your wife didn’t let you in on an important plan before she executed it. However, since water safety comes first when you have kids, don’t fire or give this guy a hard time because your pride is hurt. You and your mate do need to talk about acting as a better parental team, especially when planning important family activities.

To get you started, here are a few hot tips for your beach weeks. First off, research the area for activities ahead of time, especially for day trips to other towns on rainy days. Secondly, make sure to bring games the kids have never played (that can even include old games from garage sales) and surprise them. Finally, teach everybody how to play some new card games. In other words, be a well-prepared teacher on holiday this year, and save yourself some angst.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When I come home, my old dog’s behind is wiggling with happiness and excitement to see me! Yesterday, I pointed this out to my husband who said coldly, “The dog’s just hungry. He sees you as the ‘can-opener.’”

That’s how he talks to me now that we’re finally married, instead of just living together. He acts like he’s caught in a trap, and I’m the jail guard. We don’t have kids yet, and I’ve been thinking, if pets are kind of like trial children, I don’t think I want to have kids with him. I do want to start a family before I’m 30, and I’m 25 already.

My guy was quite loving before we got married, but he’s turned into a moody husband. You never know what you’re going to get, so I’ve learned to hold back my affection now, too. It’s hard to feel confident of what his reaction will be. I no longer open my arms to hug and kiss him when he comes home. He’s often quite late now, with no explanations. That scares me!

My mother knows how sad and upset I am. She suggested marriage counselling, and she and Dad would pay. I totally balked! I don’t want to be “talked into” living my life out with a husband like this. And what kind of dad would he be? I want your opinion.

— Miserable in My Marriage, Westwood

Dear Miserable: You seem ready to push off, but if you get no counselling at all, be prepared for a possible complication: If your husband felt suffocated by a formal marriage, the separation may be the space he needs to start wanting you back and chasing you again. You really don’t want to play that crazy-making game.

To avoid this, get some formal counselling before you decide to end your marriage so you understand the mess of tangled feelings on both sides. It will save you both a lot of sleepless nights if you come to a full understanding of what went wrong before you actually break up.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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