‘Teasing’ over your emotional nature goes too far

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This article was published 27/06/2023 (1159 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a guy who’s always been a softie. At first my new girlfriend said she enjoyed my soft side, and the occasional tear when something was sad. We moved in together quickly. Her cruel side only came out after we started sharing this place. Now she openly makes fun of me. If I frown, she’ll hold out a tissue and say, “Is it tissue time?” Then she laughs at me.

Her cruel remarks have taken a toll. She told me two weeks ago I needed to “toughen up,” so now I just shut up when I’m upset, and she hates the silence so much she’ll apologize, and say she’s sorry. I hate playing this game. Should I just break up with her? I really don’t know how to change myself, and don’t know if I can.

— Emotional Man, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Emotional: This woman with a tendency to be cruel is bad news for a sensitive man. You can find a much better match with a woman who is sensitive and kind. Break up ASAP as cruel teasing does serious damage to a person. And, as a single-again person, invest in some positive counselling around finding better types of people for you in a new love match. You don’t need a repeat of this relationship.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife pinned up a calendar and started marking off the weeks to rent a cabin and go camping, and to visit her big family, my folks and also her sister in north Saskatchewan.

“What kind of summer is this for me?” I asked her. She rolled her eyes and said, “A great one, of course!”

Right… I’m an engineer with a lot of detailed projects at work, deadlines big and small, and specifications that must be met. She kept bugging me to commit to her detailed summer plans, “for us!”

Finally I yelled, “It feels like you’re trying to plan my life away for the whole summer. I may be married to you, but you’re not my boss!” She burst into tears and ran to the downstairs bedroom, and locked the door.

When she finally let me in, she’d ripped her summer calendar into pieces, and her face was all red. I held her for a long while, but neither of us said we were sorry.

I’m still not sorry I put my foot down. I can’t live with her programming my life. That’s exactly what her mother did. Her bossy mother ran the whole family show, and her dad was a “Yes, dear, whatever you say, dear” type of weakling, and now she’s acting just like her mom. It’s the end of June, and she says and I’ve had months to make some plans “and now there will be no plans at all for this summer!” Please help.

— Honeymoon is Over? Fort Richmond

Dear Honeymoon: Your wife is right that planning for nothing at all means there’s nothing to get excited about. Accept that your wife grew up be used to exciting summer plans — even though her mom went overboard.

Also be aware you’re probably reacting negatively to the strict discipline and detailed organization in your workplace. That’s not your wife’s fault. So, how about a compromise? Namely, one or two bigger plans made in advance, such as a camping trip in July and a cabin rental for a time in August. The rest of the summer you two can fill in, as you feel like it. Since your wife loves making plans, she could make a list — along with you — of fun alternatives you two can choose from, whenever you’re feeling up for an adventure.

As for visiting her relatives, you don’t always have to go as a couple. Other people’s relatives form a type of “in-crowd” and can end up discussing a lot of people you never knew — both dead and alive. If your wife goes for a week, drive up and join the crew for a few days.

Just don’t blow this new compromise plan by opting to do nothing much on it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My live-in is a hunk and our neighbours are noticing at our new house. He’s a weightlifter and an outdoorsy type, with a deep tan. He likes to work in the yard in a pair of short shorts with his shirt off. We’re on a running trail and he’s already met a half-dozen women he calls by name! I know hardly anyone.

I told my guy he’s purposely putting on a show, and told him he should put on a shirt. He said, “Maybe you should take off your shirt, and get with the program!” See what I’m dealing with? If I get mad at him, he just says, “Relax!”

— Mission Impossible, Fort Richmond

Dear Mission Impossible: Start putting in appearances in the backyard, so he stops looking like “that lonely single guy” with the big tan and muscles. Be friendly to any of the ladies who stop by, and be sure to swap names with them. After that, it’s not likely they’ll stop so often — or they’ll just save their energy for times when they don’t see two vehicles! You can’t control everything.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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