‘Meaningless’ parental meltdowns still leave marks

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This article was published 04/07/2023 (1126 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mom and dad were on their 40th anniversary vacation and got into such a big fight, my mom is flying back early. My dad says he’s staying at their hotel in Jamaica “indefinitely.” Empty threat! I don’t believe that for a minute.

This whole situation is just so typically “them.” All my life they’ve had these massive, dramatic fights that never end up meaning anything in the end. All they ever do is stress out their adult kids.

When my mom called me to tell me what was going on, I lost it! I used to feel sorry for them but I just don’t care anymore. I don’t want to explain to my kids that Grandma and Grandpa are emotionally-stunted, 60-plus-year-old children.

I’m no longer talking to them. My husband thinks I’m going too far, but I don’t care anymore. What do you think?

— Daughter of Emotional Misfits, Transcona

Dear Daughter of Misfits: Cutting your parents out of your life will cause you a lot of pain in the end. Instead, you can refuse to be part of their fights. Tell them your listening services are no longer available and that they need to enlist professionals now. Research the reputations of local therapists who specialize in couples and give theme a list.

Because your folks are grandstanders, they might actually enjoy going for couples counselling! Someone will be listening to them attentively — and it would be a brand-new audience for their same old fights.

Unfortunately, you can’t count on your folks stopping their fights this time, or ever, as making up after a big blowup is also part of the thrill for them. But you can tell them, without any guilt, that you will only talk to them in “peace time.” Tell them clearly you and your husband will hang up without explanation every time they call to vent, post-fight.

Of course, they won’t believe that and will test you by calling after a dust-up. Your response? “Call us when it’s all over and you’ve made up.” They may protest, “But we’re your parents!” to which you reply, in a good-natured voice, “Could have fooled me. You’re acting like teenagers again. Bye for now!”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have strong feelings about my religion, but my new boyfriend won’t listen. He used to belong to the same church as my family when he was in grade school, but his family broke away from it, over some issues.

He says they wouldn’t be thrilled to hear I go to their old church. Also, I’m trying hard to convince him to go with me. What can I say to him? We are both 16.

— Very Upset, Wolseley

Dear Upset: How would you feel if a new boyfriend tried to convince you to leave your church? It’s natural to be enthusiastic about one’s clubs, sports, activities and places of worship, and to chat about them with a new sweetheart, but it’s not a good idea to push them on someone.

You’re likely going to experience strong pushback if you keep this up. You’re 16 and chances are you’re going to experience more than one relationship before you marry. With that in mind, let up on this guy and just enjoy him for who he is and what he enjoys.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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