Relationship may be perfectly ‘fine,’ but seek clarity

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This article was published 17/06/2023 (1210 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m dating a guy who has said for years he doesn’t want to get married. We still have our own places. In exasperation, I finally told him I actually do want to be married.

He just said, “fine.” Nothing else. No excitement. It just seemed like he was giving in. That’s not exactly what a woman wants to hear! I’m so upset I can barely kiss him right now, and I don’t know if my feelings will ever get back to where they were.

— Disappointed and Embarrassed, Sage Creek

Dear Disappointed: Don’t be too hard on this man. Divorce statistics are so scary these days, he may be afraid marriage will jinx your relationship. However, you’ll note he did say “fine” to a wedding which is an answer in the affirmative. He may actually be 100 per cent committed to you, but just doesn’t think you need the wedding and documentation to prove it.

A second possibility for his lack of excitement? He’s no doubt attended a number of emotional old-fashioned weddings (maybe he’s even been in a wedding party or two) and half of those marriages have now probably fallen apart. He still said “fine” to you and that means he’ll take the chance for you.

Need more convincing? The only way to truly find out where he’s coming from is to have a conversation about it, in depth. The last thing you want is a marriage to someone who doesn’t really desire it, but does want to hold on to you as a girlfriend and just says “fine” to try to keep things going a little longer.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My “sexy” mother blew it big time. She thinks she still looks hot in a skimpy bikini, so she wears inappropriate clothing to our backyard pool. She even has a “monokini” as she calls it, and goes topless when my just dad or I am around. Basically, it’s a patch of material with strings on the sides.

I spoke to my dad about it after my boyfriend came over for a swim, and Mom showed up at the pool in her little red scrap of material with a totally transparent red “cover-up” jacket. My guy didn’t know where to look.

My mother wore a little smirk. She was getting a kick out of his discomfort. I caught her in the kitchen and hissed at her that we were leaving because the outfit she was wearing was “indecent” and my boyfriend was shocked.

I shouldn’t have to deal with this! I don’t want Mom involved in any way with my relationship. Please help!

— Steaming Mad Daughter, North Kildonan

Dear Steaming Mad: You and Dad need to co-ordinate a dinner-time “intervention” when Mom least expects it. Tell her your boyfriend was horrified and not turned on by what she wore at the pool in front of him. And you need to stress the fact you don’t need her company out at the pool when you invite him over for a swim.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is in regard to the mom whose daughter acts up in stores and is looking for ways to stop it. When our daughter was five, we started giving her a small allowance. If she wanted something we wanted to encourage, like books, we bought that for her, but if it was another stuffed animal or some cheap toy, we’d tell her how many weeks of allowances it would cost, and let her decide.

Not only did it put value into terms she understood more clearly, it gave her some control and taught her to budget at a pretty young age. We never had a fight, and she often decided she didn’t need the item, or decided to think about it first.

— Helped Us All, south Winnipeg

Dear Helped Us All: That was clever! You gave your child credit for being intelligent enough to make good decisions with her allowance money. You also eliminated the begging and whining from your child, and the preaching and criticism you sometimes overhear from harried parents in stores.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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