Don’t leave your love life languishing in limbo

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/06/2023 (1209 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new girlfriend used to be an enthusiastic participant in our love life — jumping in her shower when she got home from university, and then racing over to my place on her bicycle. She’d already be excited, and bringing new ideas to the bedroom. Now she acts like she has to put on a show, but her heart isn’t in it.

From the outset she made me agree our relationship would be primarily sexual, and I stupidly agreed. I’m afraid to ask her what’s going on, because I fear the worst. She has a new female friend (we’re both bisexual women) at her summer job. This other woman’s stupid nickname comes up way too often for my comfort.

I feel like I’m losing my girlfriend bit-by-bit, and I’m terrified to bring things to a head. I despise myself for this, but lately I’m tip-toeing around her and buying her gifts. I’m becoming such a pathetic “pleaser.” Please help me know what to say to her now. She’s had quite a few casual relationships, and I think I’m no longer interesting enough for the likes of her.

— Slipping Away From Me, St. James

Dear Slipping: The only thing worse than getting hurt, is waiting to get hurt. If this woman’s going to move on — or has already started doing so secretly — now is the time to find out. There’s no easy way to pitch this to her, so start by saying, “I’ve noticed a change in our relationship” and describe the new situation as politely and calmly as you can manage. Then comes the hard part — waiting for her to respond.

If she doesn’t, and it’s getting uncomfortable, go get a drink of water and come back. She’s still silent? Take a deep breath, and get to the point: Ask her if she’s lost interest in your relationship, and if she’s interested in, or already “seeing” the new woman she talks about all the time. Then you finally have something to deal with. As long as it’s hidden, you’re still in “limbo,” an intermediate form of hell, and you don’t want to be there any longer.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Whether I like it or not, my husband and I are going to the lake for two weeks with our three kids — again. Last year was horrible, because my husband thought he was entitled to kick back, relax and drink, starting with a “breakfast beer.” I had responsibility for our pre-school children who can’t swim, and the cottage is right beside a deep lake.

Last year I packed up the kids after 10 hot, scary days, and drove home in tears. My husband was so mad he didn’t answer his cell, and didn’t come home for two more days!

The cottage owner — his new drinking buddy — felt sorry for him, and quietly gifted him two days free this summer, so we’d come back again. They have kept in contact.

Recently, my stupid husband signed us on for another two-week holiday, without consulting me. Does this man never learn? When I heard about this, I gave it a total no, at first.

Days passed and that seemed a bit harsh, as Manitoba summers are hot for us all. Finally, I said, “OK, the kids and I will come for one week with a paid babysitter with lifesaving credentials, and you can pay her!” (I have a grownup niece who fits this bill, and she needs money for school.) Bottom line? He’s sulking about paying, big time. I feel like totally cancelling our lake time now! What do you think?

— Sick and Tired, Windsor Park

Dear Sick and Tired: Having lifesaving babysitting staff is very helpful at a lake, but as the sober parent in the cabin, remember that you still have 100 per cent responsibility for the children.

Money would be well-spent now in June on swimming lessons for you and the kids. But by all means, take that trained lifeguard/sitter to the lake. Also, make it a rule that the kids must wear life jackets all the time while outdoors at the lake.

As for the length of stay, you must get agreement ahead of time from your husband that you’ll go home with the kids whenever the fun experience wears thin for you, with no argument from Dad.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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