Enlist tech tactics to get at troubling truth

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I had to go shopping at the city’s edge for a special birthday gift for my husband. I suddenly spotted my man’s unique custom-painted vehicle — and a passenger inside with long hair, wearing a baseball hat. Naturally, I honked, and I know he saw me, but he sped away!

I didn’t know what to do, so I phoned him, but he didn’t answer.

Then I went back home. An hour later he came home and said, “So now you know!” And I said, “Know what? What am I supposed to know?” And then he went silent. So did I!

He must have had someone with him in the car who shouldn’t have been there. It must have been a woman — but you never know these days. I don’t want to lose my husband and the father of my children!

What now? I just want to forget this and continue with our lives as a happily married couple, but my stomach is tied in knots. He has never had an affair before (that I know of) but he’s a good-looking man with a fun personality, and people are attracted to him.

How can I even be 100 per cent sure, it was a woman in the car with him? Sometimes he’s made me wonder about his sexuality. Please help!

— Sick to My Stomach, North Kildonan

Dear Sick: Living together without knowing what’s going on — and leaving it to your imagination — is becoming much more painful for you than knowing the actual truth.

You need to address this one way or another, and it seems you can’t do it face-to-face. So, write a simple note to your husband, saying what you saw and send it to him by email or text message, as silly as that may seem when you live in the same house.

One of the blessings of digital communication is this: When you’re so upset you’re afraid you’re going to lose it and totally break down, it allows you to broach the topic without the immediate emotional fallout.

If there is something going on with a woman, man or more than one person, you deserve to know for many reasons, including your health and safety. Then you can address the problem — by freeing yourself from him or getting some serious couples counselling.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I want to go back to my first and only love now that I have found out he is free again. I got the news this week from a reliable source — his sister who is overjoyed her brother and his difficult wife have split and are getting a divorce! They had no children together.

My first love and I married way too young, as we had a child on the way. I still love him — always have — and I know he has always loved me. But as teenagers it turned out we were not ready to make a solid marriage. I quickly ended up back with my folks and that worked fine, as they have really helped me with our little girl.

My ex has a good job now, as do I, and at this point we are both free romantically. I want to try, and he seems interested, but my friends are being negative about it. Can you help?

— Feel Time Is Right, West Kildonan

Dear Time Is Right: Rather than listening to your negative friends, it’d be smart to see a relationship counsellor alone to explore your interest in a rematch with your ex-husband. Then ask him to join you and explore the possibility from his perspective, too. It’s possible you could make a good couple now, as well as good parents, if you have both matured in similar ways.

Even if it turns out you still aren’t going to be a life match, you can at least be better friends who understand each other and can communicate well, and that will be good for the child you share. Good luck to you!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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