Don’t be charmed into violent relationship

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have fallen for an amazing woman, but she has a problem deciding when to tell the truth. She says she used to be in a violent relationship with another woman, and had to please her or pay the consequences. She learned to lie convincingly to save herself from a beating.

I’m a non-violent woman myself and I got into my new woman’s life to rescue her! But yesterday we had an argument over at her apartment, and she slapped my back hard when I wouldn’t give her what she wanted. Suddenly, I realized it may well have been a two-way street with her violent ex.

Then she broke down crying and said hitting back was the only way to defend herself in her last relationship. She said she’d fallen for me because she could instantly tell I was a gentle soul.

She begged me to forgive her and said she’d never do it again. She’s terribly sorry, but I’m still thinking maybe I should still run from this new relationship. Sadly, we do have a lot in common and like each other’s kids. What do you think? This morning I saw her lurking near my place on the boulevard.

— Lonely Mom, Winnipeg

Dear Lonely Mom: Be aware that violent people often develop a charming side in order to snare people into an abusive dynamic. Luckily, you got a taste of this person’s violence early on, so heed that warning!

You’re likely right in thinking there’s more to this story than she’s told you. This woman doesn’t even have the self-control to refrain from aggressive behaviour with her new partner. Plus, she’s already been loitering outside your home — a form of intimidation.

Don’t let this snowball into something more worrisome. Call a lawyer if you end up feeling threatened, and if you can’t afford one, contact Legal Aid Manitoba (legalaid.mb.ca).

Trusting your gut on the warning signs here may spare you serious stress and pain down the road.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m an older person with many grandchildren, and I’m the head adult in my messed-up family of immature people. At the moment, I have two teenagers and one 22-year-old — all grandchildren — living with me in my big old house.

Only the oldest one has a full-time job, and he and I often have responsibility for feeding the family. I pay for most of the food, and he and I both cook. The teenagers are still in high school.

Is it too much to ask them to get some summer jobs, and for everybody to pitch in to help feed us this summer? School is almost out.

I can forget about getting any help from their parents, as they’re drinkers and not much use these days. That’s why the “kids” are with me. Please advise!

— Loving Grandma, Winnipeg

Dear Grandma: It’s time to call an important meeting at your home and present the problem. It’s not like you’re berating your young residents, but you need to organize their new household for a workable regimen of healthy-eating cause and some valuable work experience.

This could involve planting a big garden with your guidance, and also some cooking and barbecue instruction that could help set them up for adult independence. You could also work up a baking schedule for the week.

The kids can also help you with the necessary shopping, learning lessons on how to manage household funds.

You can do this, grandma, and the grandkids will appreciate it. They’ll never forget you teaching them how to live as young grown-ups.

While you’re at it, help them look for part-time summer jobs. Got a lawn mower? That could help them get paying work right on your block.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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