Don’t panic and dive into serious commitments

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m 31, but an old soul. I have never actually lived with a guy, but I admit I do tend to dither about things.

Now my man is encouraging me to take the leap and move in with him. Yikes! He’s a very serious guy, but as my mother points out, not serious enough to ask me to marry him.

I would like to marry him and have children who are healthy, so I need to get on it at my advanced age. Should I ask him to marry me? What do you think?

— Ready to Take Leap, Tuxedo

Dear Ready: Whoa. You’re thinking of marrying this would-be father to your kids but you don’t even mention anything about loving him. Plus, it sounds like your “serious” man may not be so serious about you.

The real issue is you think you’re ready for pregnancy, so why not see your doctor to talk about the safety of giving birth at different ages. First off, you need to know 31 years of age is far from being too old, so you really don’t need to panic.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was at a concert recently and ran into my girlfriend from high school, and we both looked at each other in a kind of shock. Then she walked over and kissed me on the cheek. My present girlfriend walked up on this, and said, “Guess I just got here just in time.” I clearly didn’t initiate the kiss, I so said indignantly “She kissed me.”

OK, I did feel a real tingle, but I didn’t tell my new girlfriend that. This shouldn’t be a big problem for me, except I can’t stop thinking of my ex since that kiss. So, I went and did the crazy thing by phoning her mom to get her new number.

But it seems times have changed. Her mom told me my ex has a female partner now. I guess it’s not a huge surprise to me, as she always seemed to like girls way too much. So why do I keep dreaming of being with her again?

— Emotional Mess, Winnipeg

Dear Emotional Mess: This young woman had a desire to be with a woman — and you went your own way, too.

You’re reading a bit too much into that peck on the cheek. You hadn’t seen her in a long time, plus you were taking in live music, both of which can heighten one’s emotions. (Not to mention the drink or two you may have had by that point.)

This chance meeting and kiss are not signals the two of you were meant to get back together, so don’t waste too much time on this. Just smile and take it for what it is — a blast from the past.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have loved and lost several times, but this time I think it’s forever love.

In a weird way, it almost seems like the two of us are twins, but I am quite worried about one thing: we have the same good traits, but we also share similar bad traits, so it’s double the trouble and double the fun.

We both love betting on the horses, drinking wine and travelling. We are not addicts, but we do spend a lot of money on these treats. (Neither of us has children.)

Why am I so nervous about us? What do you suggest?

— Nervous Nellie, Assiniboia

Dear Nervous: “Nerves” often arise from a person’s unidentified fears. End the mystery by seeing a couples therapist, alone at first, to suss out the underlying issues that are stirring up this apprehension about your relationship.

The therapist might start by asking unique questions that can help unearth your deep-seated worries. Maybe you remind yourself of another couple in your family or group of friends whose relationship fizzled. This is just one possibility.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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