Take smoke signals for what they are and move on

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My summer romance is choking on the smoke!

Is this to be expected in our freakish fire situation, or are we just not suited to each other? I’m about ready to throw in the towel.

Here’s what happened. My new guy and I were falling in love quickly in June, so we rented a little cottage together for July and August, optimistically thinking the wildfire situation would clear up.

What a sad joke! We have rarely been able to stay at the lake more than two or three days running because of the smoke.

So, we gave up our cottage early, to another couple we know, for the rest of our August rental period. Hopefully they have stronger, healthier lungs than we do.

Smoke really kills the fun of a new romance, because you can’t go anywhere together. We were getting really sick of each other, to be truthful. He is a whiny pessimist, and I am always the cheerful optimist.

On days when it was so smoky it was questionable if we’d stay at the lake one more night, I’d say, “OK, let’s just close the windows tight and block around the doors, and stay inside and play board games tonight!” He’d scowl and get way too quiet. I knew he just wanted to jump in the car, and head back to the city.

Most couples don’t get “tested” so hard and so early in their relationship, but our reality is we’ve had one argument after another. Frankly, his scowling has gotten on my nerves more than the smoke!

Is this happening to everybody, or is it a personal difference between us that can never be resolved?

— Smoked Out, North Kildonan

Dear Smoked Out: Two optimists usually do well together. Oddly, two pessimists can also do well playing “Ain’t it awful” and complaining about everything.

But, optimists and pessimists, like you two, can get on each other’s nerves. The optimist tries to buoy both people up and feels crushed by the weight of the response of the pessimist — more sulking, more negativity.

You two opposites are actually lucky to experience the true other early on, and in an extreme situation. You get a forecast of what marriage might be like, when things get difficult. It doesn’t matter how many common activities you both enjoy in good times, it’s how you react in the hard times that will forecast how you do long-term.

Partnered with a strong and optimistic person like yourself, you could really fly! So, let go of this sad relationship and look to a better future with a happy, hopeful guy.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I lost my wife to cancer after a difficult battle. She’s “free” now and I try to comfort myself with that. But now I stand to lose my daughter, too.

She’s furious I’m dating the closest friend of my wife, and she’s hinting strongly that we must have been cheating behind her sick mother’s back to be a new couple so soon after her death.

Miss L., it was a long painful illness, and it hurt everybody watching it happen. By the time my wife died I was praying for the mercy of release, for her.

She even told me to start looking for a new wife, because I was such a loving man! What do I say to my upset daughter now? I can’t imagine telling her that!

— Painful Mess, Westwood

Dear Painful Mess: Both you and your wife’s best friend need to talk to your daughter privately, and that will take courage.

Be aware that you and your new mate cannot present as a duo to try to work this out with your daughter. Just the visual of you two standing together as a new couple would send her right up the wall.

You need to explain to your daughter — when you’re alone — how much you loved her mother and how much you will always miss her. Assure her this new situation was just a friendship while her mom — the great love of your life — was still alive. Your daughter needs to know there was never any competition between this woman and her mother.

But now, you and your wife’s friend are both alone, and finding some comfort in being together. Give your daughter the emotional space to reject this speech from you — for a time, at least — and sort it out over coming weeks.

In the meantime, continue with this woman friend, but don’t overtly act like a new romantic couple. Forget any public affection. In time, things will feel a lot less painful for everybody. Then one day, you can possibly think about marrying your late wife’s friend. Now is definitely not the time, no matter how lonely and sad you may feel.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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