Shut out extraneous noise over wedding plans

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I seriously suspect my man, who is 26, wants out of our planned wedding, which is coming up mid-summer. This hurts me deeply.

I’m 34, and we got engaged three months ago after a bad near-breakup fight because I was fed up with the lack of engagement after so long. He started crying and got down on one knee and proposed to me, saying desperately, “Please marry me. Don’t leave me.”

I forgave him for dragging his feet because I love him so much. But now, I suspect he probably doesn’t know how to take that proposal back after things have been moving so quickly. He looks kind of sick about the wedding, although he did enjoy our recent social.

I know he doesn’t feel he’s ready, but he’s the type who see-saws back and forth on everything, unless somebody makes him do it, and then he becomes sold on it. For instance, he used to say he didn’t want kids, and now he fights to hold his married friends’ babies.

My girlfriends say, “You just have to get Mr. Negativity over the initial marriage hump.” What do you think?

I’m secretly pretty upset and getting worn out. Should I give up on him? I’m losing my cool, if I ever actually had it.

— I’m Ready, But Is He? St. Vital

Dear Ready: This is not your friends’ business. It’s time for you and your man to take yourselves in for some pre-marriage counselling — together and solo — to work things out before you go any further. It will just be about you two and your feelings.

As for your wedding guests, they really won’t care if they don’t have yet another wedding to attend during their busy summers.

It’s really all about you two and what you want or don’t want, and the timing is all yours.

Your family and friends really don’t want you to make a big mistake just to save face over postponing a wedding date.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My high school girlfriend was a natural lover and teacher. She dumped me in university because I had no decent sex moves of my own. That left me mad and embarrassed, and I set out in earnest to get some.

After that, each new woman turned out to be a new kind of treat. I’ve secretly kept a little notebook on all the wonderful girlfriends I’ve loved and learned from. Now I’m almost 30 and don’t know why I would ever stop this adventure and marry one woman for life. I guess I’m spoiled now.

I recently started seeing a great new woman — the best yet — and when I told her how I felt about sex and non-monogamy, she dumped me immediately.

Her final poke in the gut was, “Too bad for you if you ever want a real family.” Am I doomed to being a bachelor with no family?

— Always On My Own, Wolseley

Dear Always: Guys don’t have to worry as much as women about the timing for starting a family, so you are not doomed if you ever do want to settle down.

If you do marry late, do it with maturity and willingness to be an older parent. Do not try to shut down a partner’s desire for children, no matter what your age.

Some guys happily end up marrying late and taking on a ready-made family and may also have a child or two with their new partner. Some older first-time dads are totally ready for that adventure.

By the way, loving partners who can’t or don’t want to go through a pregnancy can always adopt children — or take on rescue puppies or kittens if they don’t want to take quite as big a leap. The trick is to stay open to all possibilities for expansion, when pairing with your loved one.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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