To escape emptiness, reach out to others

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I married my wife because she was very beautiful and funny. I was a successful athlete with an education — super fit, lots of hair and good brains. Together, I thought my wife and I had it all.

We did have a lot of fun in the beginning. She loved my body and we had a great sex life, but then we started getting into our 30s and we weren’t feeling close at all anymore. We had no interest in having kids, either.

We were pretty self-serving, to be honest, and as time went by, we both found other sex partners via our jobs. She really hurt me first, but I got her back big-time. It was a hollow victory, though. My life feels so empty now and we’ve hurt each other in ways that can’t be fixed.

What do you suggest? I am often feeling freaked out and totally disconnected these days. Please help.

— Lost in Space, Winnipeg

Dear Lost: First, address the depression you’re experiencing by seeing your physician. Be honest about feeling down and “floating in space,” and ask the doctor to set up an appointment to see a mental-health professional who can work with you and prescribe medication if necessary.

Then it’s time to think about going for relationship counselling together with your wife, even if it is just to help you navigate a divorce in a more manageable and less hurtful way.

However, if there is still any hope for the two of you stay together it will take some serious discussion and the assistance of a relationship counsellor will be invaluable. It may be there’s just too much bad blood between you after the mutual infidelity to save your marriage, but the only way to find that out is to engage in some open and honest talk.

All the best to both of you as you navigate this difficult and painful situation.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in my early 40s and I have dated a fair bit, but I’ve never had a serious relationship lasting more than a few months. A lot of my friends and co-workers are getting married and starting families, and I feel like I’m lagging way behind.

I’ve tried dating apps and also asking friends to set me up, but I always seem to end up alone, as there’s never any real chemistry, beyond the superficial.

I’m starting to feel like there’s something wrong with me, and it’s affecting my self-esteem.

I know I’m a kind and caring person, though a little shy. I have a professional job I love and lots to offer, but just can’t seem to find someone who sees that.

I hear I’m good-looking, and I do have a crazy sense of humour, but I’m definitely awkward with women. Do you have any advice for me on how to meet someone I could end up having a deeper bond with?

— Longing for Connection, Winnipeg

Dear Longing: Have you thought about getting involved with groups or organizations that interest you? It could be a great avenue to connect with people who share some of your passions and beliefs.

If you have a soft spot for pets, start volunteering at an animal shelter; if you’re interested in a sports, try to get involved in a fun, co-ed recreational league. If you enjoy singing, Winnipeg is full of choirs who want to add new people, even in the middle of the year. Love the great outdoors? Volunteer at a nature centre or get involved in one of the many summer festivals.

Do worthy causes call out to you? Visit volunteermanitoba.ca to find out about opportunities to share your time, skills and passion. The whole point is to increase your contact with others who share similar interests with you — common ground can be a great ice-breaker, especially for a shy guy. So get active.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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