Get up off your pew and connect with the ‘choir’

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve started going to different churches to shop for new friendships, but it’s just not working out.

I do like the more modern churches with bands and singing and even shouting stuff like “hosannah!” although I’m a quiet guy, normally. I’m definitely attracted to the modern rock ’n’ roll churches. I’m so tired of the old-fashioned choirs and organ accompaniment I grew up with. I still perform in country bands at bars, on some weekend nights, and can sing both lead and harmony, so I’m practised up.

The bands and happy people at these newer-style churches do get me pumped-up and excited, but then I go home by myself in the end again. What a drag!

How do I get into this new circle as a shy man in my 40s?

— Old Rocker, East Kildonan

Dear Old Rocker: Time to quit the endless church cruising! Right after attending a service you enjoy with live-band music, talk to the music leader to see if you might play an active part in that ensemble. Bring recordings to showcase your abilities for them. Then, leave your contact info and get back in touch during the week, and approach the same person the next week after church.

If you do get involved musically with them, look for other ways you can help out, so you can really start meeting people and making friends, and not limiting yourself to the band members. Good luck on your hunt!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve just had it. My boyfriend has gone back to his first wife again, after being clean and sober for almost a year this time. I’ve looked after him many times before when he was struggling and jonesing for a drink. I am so tired of it!

He says he wants to be free of the booze, and sometimes he’s gotten sober with my help and that of his doctors. Sadly, he was only doing it to win back his wife and kids. After a couple months of staying sober, he starts longing for his real first love — the liquor — and then he can’t fight it anymore.

I realize I am not the one he married in front of all the friends and family, and their blessings for a happy life, and I will never be the woman he adores who gave birth to his children. I know he doesn’t want another wedding and more kids — just the ones he already has and is only infrequently allowed to see.

I must confess, sometimes when he’s sleeping with me he awakens crying for his wife and kids. It breaks my heart! The worst thing is she still loves him. Her promise has always been that if he can stop drinking for good she’ll take him back as her husband, and he can help her raise their children “like a real father.”

She refuses to have a drunken father in the house, like she had when she was growing up. I get it! I know her dad. He’s a charming and loving man, but he can’t stay sober.

I have a strange question for you. I know this man comes back to me broken, because he can’t stay away from the alcohol — and I let him drink. What can I do to get myself off this horrible roller-coaster? He’s a sweet and charming man, and he knows I’ll have him in my life, drunk or sober. I’m pathetically addicted in my own way. Please help me.

— Taking the Leftovers, St. Boniface

Dear Taking the Leftovers: Starting today, give yourself a few assignments. First, make a list of all the things you love about this alcoholic man, especially who he reminds you of in your wider family and group of friends, colleagues and acquaintances. What character traits do they share and what roles have they played in your life?

Then look closer inside your circle at your dearest friends, making a list of the people you have dated and befriended and what they have in common, especially if they were problem drinkers.

Look at these lists once a day, and let the conclusions sink in slowly. They will help you in your quest for answers, both with counsellors and on your own. You may need counselling as much as this man who’s in your arms with a drink in his hand. Sadly for you, he’s still longing for his first wife and children. You supply the comfort and allow him to stay afloat when he falls back into his drinking. But it’s tearing you down, bit by bit.

It’s time for you to put yourself first and get major help. Look for a professional who specializes in alcoholism and will talk openly about the role you’re playing in this situation.

You might also ask for a referral to a psychiatrist who often works with loved ones of alcoholics. Psychiatrists’ fees are covered by provincial health care, but it may take a while to get in to see one. But it will be worth it. If it’s going to take too long, you may decide to see a psychologist with experience in these types of situations and pay for the help yourself.

Also, consider joining Al-Anon, which is for friends, family, and loved ones of alcoholics, to widen your circle of understanding mates. Visit al-anon.org to find out about meetings and what help they can offer.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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