Ghosting down to being spooked by the truth

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/02/2025 (606 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend has totally disappeared. Just before Christmas we went out to a dance bar and had three or four drinks, then went home to my place and made love.

It was wonderful, so I finally spoke those scary words, “I love you!” But he said nothing back. So, after 20 minutes of silence, I asked him coldly, “What do you see as our next step?” He went dead quiet and almost seemed to stop breathing. Then, he went out to his truck, drove away and I haven’t seen him since.

I cried myself to sleep for a week. I found out he quit work, and I couldn’t get him on his cellphone. I just heard today from my brother (his co-worker) that he’s gone back to Ontario, where his family lives.

I want to go there and make him face me! I deserve to know what happened. I told my big brother, and he said, “Don’t go! I think I know where he is now and who he’s probably with.” Then he sat me down and told me, “It turns out the guy’s separated. He left a wife and kid behind when he came here. He may be back home now.”

I’m completely in shock — so hurt and angry. Why didn’t my boyfriend tell me about his true situation? Instead, he loved me up for months and left me crying before Christmas.

— Broken-Hearted and Angry, Windsor Park

Dear Broken-Hearted: It’s likely your new guy thought you were great, and he was physically attracted, but when you wanted commitment and love in return, his guilt at leaving his wife and baby finally got to him. Did he really want to live a province or two away from them and never see his child growing up? Maybe not.

Of course you want “closure” with him, but don’t waste your time chasing him. His silence and running away means he’s finished. Although you were a comfort to him after he left his little family, you got serious — and then he ran.

Where do people go when they need a job and a place to sleep in a hurry? Home. It’s very likely he ran to his family of origin or best buddy — or even to the wife and child he left behind, to see if it’d be possible to fix things up. It’s definitely time to give up on him for good.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A new brother has joined my grown-up family. My mom recently confessed to us she had a baby boy when she was a teenager, and had to give him up for adoption.

I’ve met him now, and I don’t feel like accepting him as an older brother. I’m already 27. I’m not a mean person by nature, but I’ve always been the oldest son. I felt proud and responsible. Now this other guy comes along, who my mom had at 16, and she loves him instantly. He did nothing to earn himself oldest-child status, and now he’s Mr. Popularity.

Now, the situation is getting worse. This week I found out from mom I’m supposed to meet his biological father. I don’t feel like meeting the boyfriend who got my mom pregnant in high school. My wife says, “Cool down — you don’t have to give up anything. Just meet these people, please, and get it over with, because you can’t avoid it forever.”

Oh, yes, I can! I can refuse to meet him if I want to. But, then what?

— Oldest Son No More, West End

Dear Oldest Son No More: Know what you’re likely to feel when meeting this first child of your mom’s? Nothing much! You don’t know the guy and it will probably be an underwhelming experience.

So don’t worry. You don’t have to worry about losing any of your mother’s love for you. Parental love expands with each new child. Plus, you’ve logged much more time and experience with your mother than this new guy. Be nice, and you won’t lose anything. In fact, you might gain a friend, given some time to get to know each other.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography