Couple’s public-spat penchant problematic

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This article was published 22/03/2024 (922 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife and I are friends with a couple who constantly fight in public. My wife is close with his wife, who doesn’t trust her husband, who is a big flirt. I think he’s all talk, but my wife says he’s been known to wander.

The wanderer’s wife likes to call him out on his shortcomings when they’re not alone, and it’s embarrassing for us. Why does she do that? It’s a shame because they’re both rational and intelligent people, but when they get together with my wife and me, they love to pick fights.

We refuse to take sides, so why are they doing this? At our age (in our 40s) it’s just embarrassing. How can we broach this touchy subject with them without getting into a four-way fight? They want to get together with us more often, and it’s getting harder and harder to say yes.

— So Uncomfortable, East Kildonan

Dear Uncomfortable: A woman-to-woman phone call would be the best first move. Your wife must tell the “warrior” lady that she and her scrappy mate need to declare a truce around you two, as you can’t take it anymore.

They will either do that, or be miffed and continue fighting. This couple may need a backup couple so their fights don’t explode into pushing, shoving or worse. That’s not your responsibility and they are using you. It’s doubtful you two are their first buffer zone. They won’t want to give you up, and will probably start arguing with you about trying to exit.

If they’re both completely insulted by your new conditions for friendship and decide to thumb their noses at you say a peaceful so long to them, and stop taking calls. They will soon glom on to another twosome, as they need that four-person dynamic to survive as a couple.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I started dating at 16 in the early 2000s. My family was poor and moved frequently in the city. I was outgoing, and did a lot of messing around — not many long relationships at all. I am still single.

My longtime style of just dating was really just a lot of sexual hooking up, and I don’t apologize for that. It’s what I wanted for a long time.

Now I’m older and still need more air to breathe than most guys. Well, I got more space than enough during COVID — and something weird happened.

I was home a lot like everybody else and started watching those shows where adult kids go looking for their biological fathers. That made me nervous, given my history. Then, as fate would have it, I found out through a friend from an old neighbourhood that a young guy exists who is thought by some to have been fathered by me.

Apparently I was that girl’s first sex partner. I am Black and the baby she gave birth to is bi-racial.

We only dated a short while, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I know from watching those reunion shows that kids always want to at least meet their birth father. I wouldn’t be against that, now that I’m older.

Should I try to get in touch? I realize the mother chose not to contact me, so maybe it is another guy who is the father. I’ve always lived in and around Winnipeg, and am known to a lot of people, so she could have contacted me if she wanted to badly enough. Please advise me.

— Baby Daddy Maybe? West Kildonan

Dear Maybe: Why not go after the answer to this mystery?

First, do some digging, and contact this woman you used to date. If she had another boyfriend of darker complexion around the same time, and the baby was definitely his, then you don’t need to get started on anything. That is, unless you dispute the truth of that assertion and want to do some serious testing.

As for whether the mom will even want to talk to you, who knows? But really big life adventures are few for most people, and she might be quite interested to see you and talk to you about your different life paths and her teenage pregnancy — and whether you’re the real birth dad or not.

If you are, be prepared to offer some real help for your son, even at this late date. That is, both fatherly help and material assistance.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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