Ex’s sad show only spotlights his insecurity

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 05/02/2024 (959 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I got pregnant for the first time seven years after my first marriage ended. At age 33, I had actually given up. Then I met a wonderful man, and we got married. Then boom, we got pregnant. My world was complete when the baby arrived last year just before Christmas.

Then, guess who else showed up? My ex-husband, Mr. Toronto salesman, was back in Winnipeg to see his family. He phoned and told me he was on his way over to see me. I told him it wasn’t a good time because I had a husband and baby.

Then, like he hadn’t even heard me, he said he would be right over. I knew he must be partially drunk, as usual.

An hour later, he showed up with a sweet card and baby gift — an expensive animal book any child would love, one day. Also, he wasn’t acting the least bit inebriated. To keep it that way, I only offered him coffee.

He didn’t stay long after that, but he was polite and chatted intelligently with my husband, before he headed for the door.

After he left, my husband asked why I would dump a charmer like my ex for a simple guy like him. I told him because my ex-husband was a big drinker and was probably hiding it during his visit.

My husband didn’t believe me and said he didn’t notice anything.

So, I laid out the clues for him. First, he insisted on coming over early before he really needed a drink; second, he was chewing mints in case his breath smelled of alcohol; and finally, he brought a big, showy gift to impress everybody and deflect any negative attention.

I’m writing to warn your readers of these “tells” because too many people are unaware they’re being smoothly handled by an alcoholic.

I used to be fooled, way back when, and my ex was the best of the best at being a functioning alcoholic. He impressed me back then and I went ahead and married him, didn’t I?

— Don’t Get Fooled, North River Heights

Dear Don’t Get Fooled: You make some excellent points. Your ex completely ignored your refusal to have him over, like your words meant nothing. Then he whipped out to the store and bought a showy book for the baby, who can’t read yet. Why did he put on this show?

No doubt he wanted to get a load of your new husband, show what a fine fellow he is and lay to rest any criticisms you might have made about him and his drinking. He wanted to prove to your new man he’s no loser, a few hours ahead of his date with the demon booze.

By the way, your husband’s comment about choosing him over your ex was absolutely charming.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend is working on a 2024 assignment of her own making. She’s started making “relationship goals.” Yikes.

I peeked at her list for the future, and it included: “Have three babies before I’m 30.” Is she looking at me as the daddy? I almost swallowed my tongue. I love her, but I wasn’t thinking about kids yet.

I accomplished most of my own 2023 business goals and my job is sailing along now. It feels good to set your objectives and then share them with your boss. That’s what I did, and it got me a promotion.

Should I tell my girlfriend that I saw her 2024 goals and how I feel about them? If she catches me rolling my eyes over three kids, she’ll probably be hurt and say, “Don’t laugh at me.” I’m certainly not.

— ‘Daddy’ of her Dreams? Winnipeg

Dear ‘Daddy’: Why not welcome the new year with an open mind, and share some of your deeper interests with your mate? This girlfriend won’t laugh at you, so trust her with some of your ambitions, hopes and dreams — and also your fears about having three kids in a hurry.

If you hold all that interesting stuff back your relationship will not be nearly as enthralling.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography