Hurtful body shots a sure way to erode loving bond

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This article was published 18/11/2023 (1080 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Recently, I playfully grabbed my wife’s post-pregnancy stomach and teasingly called her “Jelly Belly” (She had our son four months ago). She got really mad — no sense of humour! Why? She said I should know she’s insecure about her shape now, and that the comment was a “trigger”.

I hate that it’s such a big deal to her, because I always think she’s voluptuous and beautiful. How do I show her that now? I told her last night it was a stupid thing to fight over. She yelled back, “You caused the problem by insulting me!”

OK, I admit I made a mistake. I really don’t want to fight about this with her anymore. I said I was sorry and I thought that’d be the end of it and she seemed somewhat happy again.

But this morning, when we were about to have make-up sex, she called my manhood by a demeaning name to do with size. (That isn’t even a true assessment as I know I’m average or possibly bigger, compared to normal guys.)

Neither one of us is talking now! How do we get back from exchanging insults, or it is even possible?

— Ridiculous Standoff, Whyte Ridge

Dear Ridiculous: Many a woman has looked at her post-pregnancy body in the mirror and said “I looked better when I was five months pregnant!” It takes quite a while to regain one’s pre-pregnancy shape.

You grabbing her rounded belly was felt as ridiculing, which she just couldn’t take. By the next day, she’d thought of a way to hurt and embarrass you back. Now that you have exchanged hurtful insults, healing action is required.

Tell your wife again you love all of her, but you also need to add that if she wants to improve her fitness and self-image, you could work up an exercise routine for two, at home in the evenings. Tell her you want to get into good shape too and you can help each other with certain exercises and listen to fun music. Don’t expect her to jump for joy, but she may start feeling somewhat better about things.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Help! I’m 23 and now my roommate’s divorced mother wants to come live with us. My friend says “Mom” will cook and clean for us — and also pay one-third of the rent.

My roommate’s parents are selling the big family home now and her mother will soon need a place to live. Too bad! I’m not going to lose my independence and have a mother under my roof again — even someone else’s mom. That would inhibit my freedom to date various men and even to have a guy sleep over, if I got lucky enough.

I know my friend’s mother. She can be very charming when she needs to be, but will show her fangs if she isn’t getting her way. Should I just bail right away and avoid this whole issue? I really enjoy living with my roomie, but now I’m feeling very uneasy.

— Getting Squeezed Out, Waverley Heights

Dear Squeezed: Have the necessary important talk with your roommate this week and tell her the bottom line is you will move out if her mother is moving in. Let her know you are finished living with parents of any kind — yours or hers — and that’s that!

If she tells you to relax, ask her bluntly: “By what date do I need a new place?” That will force her to think this idea through and make a real decision quickly.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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