Don’t deny mom knowledge of her real father

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/08/2023 (1108 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS:My recently widowed grandmother said she had something secret to show me, and to come out alone to her cottage. I quickly drove up to the lake.

When I got there, Grandma was acting strangely nervous. Finally, she took out a photo album and started showing me pictures from her teen years. Then she stopped the chit-chat and plunked two wedding photos down in front of me. They were both of her being married in the same dress — to two different men!

I said, “Do you have an identical sister?” And she said, “No. They’re both pictures of me — at my two weddings.” I then asked, “Who’s the first man?” and she said “my true love,” stating his full name. Then there was a pause and she said, “He was ill and died soon after our wedding. I was already expecting our first baby.”

“And who was this baby?” I asked, taking the photo in her hand. She said, “That little baby was your mother.”

I finally asked: “And who was the groom with you at your second wedding?”

“That was my husband’s best friend, who stepped in after he died to take care of me and the baby coming. He was a good, kind man and we went on to have a wonderful family. I came to love your grandpa deeply.”

I was dumbfounded, totally silent.

Finally I asked, ”Why didn’t you tell Mom the truth?” She said, through tears, “Because I wanted her to keep thinking she had a ‘real’ dad — not another man who felt sorry for us. And he was such a wonderful father to her!”

Then Gran asked me quietly, “Should I tell your mother at this point? I’ve thought and thought, and I really don’t know.” I don’t know the answer either. Please help!

— To Tell, or Not to Tell, North Kildonan

Dear To Tell or Not:Most people wouldn’t want to be deprived of knowing about their true beginnings in life. That choice should not be taken away by well-meaning people who are “doing it for their own good.”

It’s interesting your mom’s bio-family stayed clear of the baby once it was born. Perhaps they were just grateful their son’s best friend stepped in to be a father. Or maybe they didn’t know there was a baby on the way when their son died. Bottom line? Your grandma obviously wants you to support her now in telling her daughter (your mom) who her real biological father was.

Later, your mom will probably want to know everything Grandma can remember about the man who was her bio-dad. She may also want to meet other people from her bio-father’s family, to answer some questions about her own unique traits. Perhaps she always looked or sounded a little different from her siblings, and she may also have inherited certain talents from her bio-dad’s side of the family. She could encounter a lot of people who seem somehow familiar. However, it’s a possibility she won’t want to meet them at all, and if so, that’s her choice.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:I got into a fistfight at a big bonfire party. I won, of course. A few people got hurt. My live-in girlfriend, who saw the scrap, drove her little truck to her parents’ house. Now she’s cut me right off. It’s eight days! I can’t even get her on her cell.

Today, her brother — the weakling — showed up at my work to tell me I need to stop harassing his sister with phone calls, and that the family wants her clothes and other belongings sent back. I told him where he could stuff them!

The problem is, I really want my woman back. I love her, and she knows it, but she’s just trying to prove a point. What can I do to get her back?

— Need Her Back, East Kildonan

Dear Need Her Back:You’re all about force, my friend, and that isn’t going to work in this situation. So send your girlfriend’s clothes back, keep your distance and let this die down.

Your girlfriend will do what she wants! The best you can do while waiting is to clean up your act by taking a hard look at your propensity for violence and make sure word gets back that you still love her — and that you’re a changed guy. Good luck with proving that.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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