Face it, ‘firsts’ aren’t always meant to last

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This article was published 03/07/2023 (1128 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife and I were each other’s “firsts” in everything. For many years we were very sexual, and experimented with many things. She was so much fun, and exciting. Now, 20 years later, I’m lucky if I get a peck on the cheek!

I’ve tried everything to get things going again. I’ve tried to be patient and talk about “our” problem. Both she and I got checked out by her doctor, and everything’s OK, physically.

This winter I took her on a romantic holiday out of the country, and then out to concerts and date-night dinners here in town — anything I could think of! Nothing worked. This spring the tires are finally going flat on this marriage for me, too.

I said to myself, “Face facts, man. She’s just is not interested in you anymore.” Half the time she sleeps in another room so I won’t “pester her.” That’s a joke, because I gave up months ago. But, I’m in my 40s and I do want a sex and love life.

Women give me “looks,” and it’s getting to the point I’m starting to look back. I told my wife this, and she said, “Do what you need to do.”

— I’m Lost, Transcona

Dear Lost: Your wife is acting like she’s already flown, although she may not have physically cheated yet. A warning: That invitation from her, to step out, was a trap. Then you’d take the blame and be unpopular with the kids, other relatives and close friends.

It’s time for the “Big Talk.” There’s no use spending money on counselling if your wife is truly finished, and definitely wants out of the marriage. You two married young, she’s adventurous and she may want to experience more than one lover in her lifetime.

Consider asking her a very direct question: “Do you or do you not want to be married to me anymore?”

Then try not to break eye contact as you wait for a reply. The true answer is often in the eyes, not in the words.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 19 now. I “came of age” for dating at the beginning of COVID, then lost a couple of important years. For something to do at home, I started bodybuilding. Now I have a really nice body, if I do say so myself. I work at a college in town, and guys are looking at me top-to-bottom now, but nobody has asked me out yet. Why not?

Sometimes I see a guy staring at me. I’ll just laugh and say, ”What are you looking at?” But it never seems to start a conversation. In fact, they walk away. I need some help.

— Flirting Newbie, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Newbie: That’s not a flirting line you’ve been using, my friend! It’s a put-down, to be used when you want to shame somebody for gawking at you. Then they lose their nerve, and leave you alone — as you’ve noticed.

You’re less likely to have any kind of gawking reaction at an actual gym, as it’s all about everybody developing better bodies. Why not join one? Then you can chat with guys about lifting techniques and start some real conversations — just friendly ones — and see where they go.

Be aware that some people have a rule about not dating at their favourite gym — but others couldn’t care less.

Just consider your interactions “light flirting practice.” They will help you develop the confidence you need, as well as a twinkle in the eye, which is always attractive in the dating world.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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