Chalk lure of odious ex up to mate’s self-esteem issues

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/04/2023 (1229 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I found out my new live-in love has been sneaking over to see his ex-wife — a well-known drunk in our town. She kicked him out a year ago because he was “too boring” for her. Believe me, she was the loser in that marriage! I came along and treated him like he deserved to be treated by a woman.

It was like rehabilitating a lost soul, and he was so grateful to me. He said he couldn’t believe how easy life could be, with a normal woman. I brought him into my family and taught him how to enjoy life and be a close as a family, and I even taught my new man how to polka. But then he went back to “visit” his ex-wife the minute she said she’d give him another chance.

Another chance to what? Become a “badass”? That’s her word for herself, not mine. She says I’m a bore and calls me “the little nun.” Yes, I am of Catholic background.

She was nasty when she was married to him — cursing him out, gambling, drinking and spending all his money. When I first met him, he was an emotional mess. She always blasted him for being “a boring loser” and told him he didn’t deserve a woman like her. Please tell me why he wants a nasty drunk woman who will just hurt him over again, when he can have someone like me who would always treat him right? I don’t get it. Can you help me understand?

— Lost Him to a Loser, East Kildonan

Dear Lost Him: A man with good self-esteem and an interesting life of his own is not likely to be lured by a woman who’s caught up in boozing and her own daily drama. Also, that kind of man wouldn’t be likely to accept her judgment that he’s a boring loser.

Face it: This man may actually believe his alcoholic ex is an exciting whirlwind, and he’s a bore. When she offered to give him another chance, his self-worth may have jumped back to life. Maybe she felt she’d undervalued him! Maybe she felt he was actually worth something!

Why waste your time playing tug-of-war with these people? It’s not you he’s crazy about; it’s his alcoholic ex-wife. Sadly, you were his personal rehabilitation centre. The additional benefit? You made his ex jealous enough to go after him again.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I think “Sucker for a Sharp-Dressed” man knows she’s in trouble with her new attraction to her well-attired ex at the casino.

(He wanted to see her again and take her out for a fancy dinner, and I suggested her decision should hang on the emotions that may be involved, particularly for her. —Miss L.)

I think she should ask herself: What are the benefits of hooking up with him? What does he really want? Is it money? What has he done with his life? What were the reasons for the original breakup?

If the attraction is that he’s paying attention to her again and she feels flattered, she should know it can feel great just to be able to attract him again. Once a re-entry to any intimacy occurs, she may find herself in an awkward situation she can’t get out of very easily, without things getting messy.

On the other hand, if there can just be some fun “benefits” with no strings attached, and boundaries that include not getting involved (that are mutual), then I’d say nothing ventured, nothing gained.

If a relationship of any sort begins, I would make sure ahead of time that this man doesn’t owe big money, have a criminal record or addiction issues, and isn’t presently married!

— Eenie-Beanie, Winnipeg

Dear Eenie Beanie: You and I both suspect “Sucker for a Sharp-Dressed Man” is too turned on by this ex not to give him a whirl, even if it’s just a one-night stand. Still, the idea of trying to investigate his financial situation is a good one, though that’s a hard thing to do alone. The bottom line? There’s a mutual attraction that sizzles between these former lovers, and one doubts there’d be enough time for her to play detective before she meets this old hottie in private, and they revisit their passion.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography