Denial of brother’s mental illness will help no one

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 20/04/2023 (1280 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mom is struggling with the fact my younger brother was just diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She doesn’t believe it’s real, and denies there’s anything wrong.

“He just likes to sleep sometimes,” she says, as he’s lying in bed for a month, after spending the previous few weeks partying and acting manic. He needs serious help, but she seems comfortable letting him do whatever he wants.

I worry about him. He’s just turned 18, and he doesn’t think he needs his meds when his emotions are up and he’s super-active. Then things really get worse! What can I do as his older sister?

— Worried Sister, south Winnipeg

Dear Worried Sister: When your younger brother is in a relatively stable state, explain to him why you’re concerned when he isn’t getting out of bed or considering not taking his medication. Also, tell him you fear he might hurt himself when he’s manic and feeling reckless.

If it happens that he starts doing something dangerous to himself or to somebody else, quickly contact his doctor about what’s happening. If he’s a danger to himself or others, a doctor can start a process that forces him to seek an assessment at a hospital.

Meanwhile, quietly educate yourself. There’s a lot of information on bipolar disorder on the internet and you’ll feel better once you’re more informed.

Your research will also put you in a position to educate your mom — to a degree. Be careful not to force-feed her too much information all at once. She is feeling scared and defensive, and may push you away.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just started dating a guy after spending a very long time on my own. My husband died when my kids were in high school, and I felt it would’ve been too hard on them if I dated during that time. So I waited for eight lonely years to start seeing people.

Now, I’ve actually found someone I like in many ways — and my kids are getting rude and angry with me. They’re saying I’m “disrespecting the memory” of their father.

Let me be blunt. Where their father is now, he doesn’t care! Am I supposed to live like a nun for the rest of my life?

I had a dream last night and I saw my deceased husband smiling at me and saying, “It’s OK, it’s OK!” like he used to, if he was comforting me. I think it was a message from him, giving me his blessing to go ahead and date.

This is one of the first times I’ve not felt sympathy for my children. They are all out of high school and have no right to tell me how to live my life, and to guilt me using the death of their father! Yes, he was a man I loved deeply and expected to live with for the rest of my life, but he is gone now, forever.

What do I do? What should I tell my kids?

— Angry About Being Guilted, Fort Richmond

Dear Angry: Tell the “kids” about liking this new man a lot. If they give you pushback like rolling eyes and disapproving looks, allow yourself to express anger this time and take back your power!

It’s more convenient for them to keep you widowed and single, rather than having to get to know a new guy, and possibly even liking him — and feeling guilty about that.

Are your kids still living at home? It’s eight years after their dad died in high school, so they must be in their 20s. You deserve some privacy for a new relationship with a man.

Be careful not to jump into living with this new guy too hastily. Instead, help any remaining kids to move out, with a little financial boost or even by selling the family home and getting a smaller place for you, with some privacy. The time has come to make your move to freedom.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is for “Owner of a Very Old House” who said he had little or nothing done in the way of upgrades to his home, as he hasn’t had enough money. (I suggested selling it and renting a warm, comfortable apartment. —Miss L.)

This is my similar experience: One late fall morning, I woke up to a very cold house one day and I realized the furnace, water pipes and more, could go at any time. I contacted a real-estate developer and sold the house — no commissions, and the developer took care of the legal fees.

I now live in an apartment, and although I miss a yard to relax in, I have a balcony and the anonymity/security of living in an apartment, along with my car being in secured, underground parking. The perks outweigh the disadvantages.

If you visit Age and Opportunity Winnipeg online (aosupportservices.ca), among other valuable information, there is a listing of apartments for those over 55, and some are subsidized, depending on one’s income.

— Been There, Winnipeg

Dear Been There: Thanks for writing in to share your experience. There’s nothing worse than feeling chilly, insecure and unsafe in your own home. The very place that’s supposed to shelter you can no longer do the job if you can’t afford the big bills to maintain it.

A lot of people enjoy the 55-plus blocks, and the new social lives that often come with them. People often get together to chat, play cards, do yoga, plan parties and organize other activities — even travel junkets.

“Owner of a Very Old House” was clearly feeling alone and lonely, and his old home was making him feel even worse. A friendly apartment block situation could be a life-changer for him.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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