Iron out trust issues or marriage will just limp along

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 17/04/2023 (1278 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m coming up on the three-year mark since I discovered my wife’s emotional affair that was conducted online. We’re still together, although I did leave for a couple of weeks right after I found out. We’re still doing couples counselling (as we were before the affair) and I still do some aggressive individual counselling.

I’m still struggling with getting over the hurt and pain this has caused. I have existing trauma, so finding out the one person I love and trusted more than anything had betrayed me was a huge slap in the face, and turned my world upside down.

She swears there was nothing physical, but it was a full-blown love affair — sexting, checking in daily, calling each other “hon” and “babe,” and saying how much they missed each other. It’s quite disgusting because she did this in the comfort of our home, even when our kids were in the other room. My son would ask me: “What’s mommy doing? When is she coming out?” I knew something was off for a while, but couldn’t figure it out.

Some days my feeling is “I’m gone, and can do better,” but other days, I’m still in love and attached to her, and don’t want to give up everything we’ve worked so hard for. She’s never done anything like this before, that I know of.

She’s a good person, great mom and has always been there for me during my struggles. She isn’t a consistently shady person. The problem is that we both knew cheating was a deal-breaker, and here I am eating my own words by taking her back.

I’m learning that an emotional affair is even more intimate and alarming than a physical affair. Any advice would be great, as I’m still very confused, hurt and having trouble trusting again.

— Upset Husband, Manitoba

Dear Upset: What has your wife wanted since this emotional affair came to light three long years ago? That’s the question that needs an answer. Did she and her affair partner cease and desist, or have they gone further underground?

If the affair is actually “done,” and you still love your wife and want the marriage and family intact and happy, then you have to let go of your initial reaction. As long as you keep blaming, you two can’t let go to have any fun together, or make new memories to build on.

It’s interesting you skipped over your personal struggles with no details.

In what ways did you fail your wife as a partner before she found somebody else? Some people believe that until they physically touch another person sexually, they have not actually cheated on their mate. It seems both of you are limping along with your old marriage, based on this wobbly belief. How long will that continue? You need to discuss this question with your partner, now.

If the kids are the unspoken basis for keeping this marriage going, then figure out the end game and see if you still want the relationship as it is. Perhaps there is a better partner somewhere for you — one you can trust 100 per cent.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Summer is a few months away and I just announced I’m renting a small cottage for May to September whether my partner agrees to pay half or not. I’m a water baby and can’t wait for my beloved lake to melt and the beaches come to life. My new guy doesn’t care about lake life, except on weekends.

We had a surprisingly serious fight about this last night. I told him I was prepared to work remotely and the smart-ass said, “That doesn’t work for me — even remotely.”

I asked, “Why not? You work online too,” and he gave a dry laugh, and said, “I need to have a regular sex life. You know that.” He’s not kidding. He’s a very highly sexed man and wants action twice a day.

I ignored his tone and said calmly, “Then you’ll have to move to the lake with me.” He looked up and laughed in a strange, cold way. What did that mean? I’m afraid to ask. Is this the beginning of the end?

— Passionate Lake Lover, East Fort Garry

Dear Lake Lover: The difference between you and your new man is he’s a sex lover, but not a lake lover. The strange laugh from him meant he was not moving to the lake with you in this lifetime. Plus, you both know he’s not going to live in the city and abstain from sex while you’re up at the beach! This had to happen sooner or later, and it’s better now, before you get deeply, emotionally involved.

The only true match for you is another lake lover, so get involved with community activities and even the cottagers’ association wherever you’re going and you may meet a a better-suited partner who will share you love of lake life. If you are obviously free this summer, you may meet him before the leaves fall!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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