Don’t force yourself to follow daredevil dad

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This article was published 10/04/2023 (1285 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My dad is a thrill-seeking adrenalin junky, and has been my whole life. However, the apple fell far from the tree, as I have no interest in extreme sports. I tend to puke (sorry to say, but it’s true).

My mom passed away last year, and my dad seems to have taken it in stride by leaning back into his old hobbies and manly-man buddies. For my birthday this spring, he announced he wants to buy me a skydiving session and have me jump with him. God help me. I didn’t want to upset him, so I didn’t say no, exactly. I just offered up a big, “Hmmm.” Unfortunately, he seemed to miss that semi-refusal, and he wants to book the dive now, so we can do it as soon as it warms up this spring.

I’m petrified and don’t want to go! I also don’t want to let my dad down, and make him feel like he has nobody to share his exciting hobby with. How do I tell him his son is a big wuss who would never jump out of a plane?

— The Wuss, St. James

Dear Wuss: Call your father up today, and say, “Dad, the idea of doing something exciting together on my birthday is cool, but I can’t do the skydiving adventure. It wouldn’t be fun for me at all. I would throw up. I don’t want that.” That should give him pause. Point to the fact your dad might enjoy going skydiving more with a friend who shares a love for adrenalin adventures.

Suggest doing something completely different in the air, and a lot less scary, like ultralite-gliding. You go up in a little open aircraft with an engine and a pilot in front of you, and if the wind is right, the pilot cuts the engine and you float on the breeze. Later, he restarts the engine and you come down gradually. It’s quite pleasant, especially at sunset.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I feel lonely, even when I’m with people. I always feel separate. I never blend with people I’m around, not even so-called friends. I always have this feeling of being alone and distinct, just watching.

I suspect it’s because I was an only child and my parents were always in my face, asking me how I felt and about every little thing, and trying to be in my business or trying to be a sibling substitute. In self-defence, I learned to separate myself from them, so I didn’t feel swallowed.

This worked at home when I could hide out in my room, on the computer. But now, working and living out of my own place, I have a hard time being close to anyone at all. I’ve had some girlfriends because I’m pretty decent-looking and technically good at sex, but they get tired of my standoffishness.

How do I change this situation? I see my future, and it scares me. Nobody is going to want to marry me at this rate, and I’ll be more alone as an adult than I ever was growing up.

– Alone for Life? Downtown Winnipeg

Dear Scared: Now’s the time to invest in freeing yourself up, mentally and emotionally. That will allow you to enjoy your relationships with parents, extended family, friends and girlfriends. It’s time to find some practical help now.

Start by seeing your physician and be upfront about wanting to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. If you need help with the right words, try this: Explain you’re an only child who had well-meaning but suffocating parents, and you are unable to form close, warm relationships with anyone as a result — not with family, friends or girlfriends.

Then be open about your fears for the future, and your strong desire to work with a professional to change your life now. That’s the kind of motivated patient people enjoy working with, and physicians will generally be very helpful in their recommendations and referrals.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I asked a girl out and she said no, on some flimsy excuse, so I called her friend who is always sweet to me and asked her out. She said yes, and we went to a movie. We had an OK time, but she wasn’t really the one I wanted.

Now, the first girl I wanted has sent me a message online, saying I was a jerk to ask her friend out. She doesn’t want me, and she doesn’t own me. Why did she do that and how should I respond?

— Confused Guy (age 14), Winnipeg

Dear You have two choices: Either give her no response, or tell her she refused your offer, and has no right to criticize you. The situation doesn’t merit any greater response than that.

You should know that some silly people feel anyone they have anything to do with dating-wise is off-limits to their friends, even if they have refused them. This makes no sense, but that’s what they foolishly think.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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