Put in the work to find fulfilling relationship

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I made it four months without a girlfriend. Although I miss the sex, I have never felt more free! I’ve had overlapping girlfriends since the age of 13, and it’s like having a job for a guy like me. I’m always serving the woman, keeping her happy, giving her what she wants.

After my last break-up in June, I told my best friend I needed to stop serving princesses. He said “Well, you pick ’em! They can see you coming a mile away, and they’re ready.”

I start university this fall, and I swear I’m not going to end up in the same kind of messes with women in my life I always do. There’s a chance to start over, but I don’t know how to be anything different from what I am — a guy like my dad. He totally looks after my mom’s needs — but she loves it, and she looks after him in return.

I don’t know how to be a hard-headed guy who looks out for himself, like a few of my buddies who seem to get what they want with women. But I don’t see them finding any great relationships, either.

— Confused, Downtown

Dear Confused: Take time off from looking for a love partner, and watch how happy long-term couples interact this fall. Analyze what you see happening around you, and choose a style that would best suit you, and make you happy.

Ask people in happy couples you know things like, “What makes you two work so well as a couple?” They may laugh, but then go on to tell you what they think helps make love work for longer than just a few months.

Just don’t ask any obviously bitter ones who haven’t succeeded at relationships! That will only be disheartening.

Relationships are wonderful when they do work out, but it takes effort and thought. Check out relationship advice books or find online resources to help you sort things out. If you seem to have the same problems in relationships always cropping up, ask your physician to suggest a good psychologist or relationship counsellor. That can save you a lot of time and heartache and help understand the kind of partner you may be happy with and also how to be a better love partner, yourself.

Once you have that kind of understanding, it will facilitate your search for a great love.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just ran into an older guy at the beach I wasted a year chasing at university, when he’d have nothing to do with me except occasional sex.

He was mostly with another woman I knew well from that period as “just a friend.” She listened to me go on and on about him. But she was the one with him at the beach. Judging by their affectionate interaction, they’re definitely a couple and she was wearing a wedding ring.

Obviously, she made off with the guy she was supposedly helping me catch! How do I digest this information?

— Shocked, Fort Richmond

Dear Shocked: Sometimes people who are on a quest to capture someone’s romantic interest go on and on about all the wonderful things they see in that elusive person. Then the person listening, thinks: “Hey, maybe I better take a better look! They sound wonderful.” That’s very likely what happened here, and it’s sad it happened to you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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